I heard that thug love was the best love
I dont mind dating danger
so I chose to test the theory
but since i'm aware that when I'm laid up in my sheets he's somewhere in the streets
when I watch the news I hold my breath and stare.
im too scared that a story with his name will air
breaking my heart to pieces that cant ever be repaired
im just that scared that ill be left with a love undeclared
leaving me to be left speechless, love less , and with much stress
needless to say
so those days when your m.i.a
I pray because if I lost you to the streets
It would be the end of my days
I'm in no condition to sit
to miss & reminisce
I wouldnt want us to be unfinished
leave too soon
i'll never see the honey moon
i'd wear black before i could wear white
i'd be the one left with sleepless nights
because i couldnt bear to see in you my dreams
to know that we would no longer would be a team
I dont want to fall victim to such a thing.
so let me not love you.
because truth is
if I woke up without you
its irreversible damage that my heart cant manage.
So i'm going to not love you.
and i'll just be repeating that until its truth.

See you didnt tell me how my ass was fat
just that you could stare into my eyes all night
and never once asked if you could be inside while doing so
I found a love where I can take pleasure in the little things like sentence finishing
I love you
not only do I love you
i breathe you
Cut me see I bleed you
this shit runs deep
like when your asleep
and my heads on your chest and I cant rest
I listen to your heart beat
I feel so complete knowing the loves concrete
I believe you must have seen something , somehow snuck up in my dreams
because you be everything I need
Showing me a love so heavenly
that I constantly search for those wings
see this
is no fling , the real thing
i barely have to call your name
when im hurt you know my pain
nothing can come and make that change
belong together
made thru all types of weather
you know that i'm down for whatever
whenever
wherever
our hearts like pieces of art
abstracts to be exact
our love is nothing like we ever had
I dont need memories because everyday with you is beautiful
everyday with you is better than the last so I'll never find myself reminiscing about the past
everyday is fresh and new as long as that day includes you
I dont just lust for you
I dont just like you
but that other 4 letter word most defintely I do.

Slowly but Surely. (2)

For some it takes longer to realize things
It should be obvious to me
knowing
your heart lies with another
for some reason though
those words were hard for me to utter
Hanging on to the past
as if that first would be my last
keeping memories that no longer have meanings
I tried fighting temptations
but In an attempt to get back what I once missed
I decided not to lock up safe like I used too &
I let you come inside and strip me of my valuables
Now realizing how much you've gotten to me
Hard to sleep with the guilt I feel see
I just tell myself that mistakes are made and I'll be okay.
I can move on and one day wont think twice about you.
they say in time wounds heal..
but that doesnt seem so real
knowing that i've been dealing with this on and off for 2 whole years
It just wasn't as easy for me
though this may not be truth more and more I feel as if you
were wasted time ...
I knew the kind of shit I was in and I'd just pretend
that none of it fucked with my mind
today I fell for the last time
and though for longest I blamed you
this time I blame that one in the mirror
because her sight should be clearer now..
I know your bullshit like the back of my hand
I dont understand how I break my plans
I said you no longer run here still
deep inside I just wanted to feel like I used too
I see now that feeling is too far gone to ever get back.
Its when I relapsed I realized how bad I wanted to stay on track..
its like some type of drug and I want to stay above your influence
And with that
this
is the end.

-----

I used to wonder what happened to that oh so cool smooth dude that I once knew
I didnt want to let him go
so I grew partial to that someone new and I held on in hopes
that the one I knew would come back soon
my thoughts in vein
thinking back I'm a little ashamed
that I could ever fall victim to such game
especially since we always played it the same
never new rules
I never thought that there would come a day where I'd hate to hear your name
When I'd hate to see your face
I never thought that the feeling you used to give me , I'd still chase today
Never knew that with you I would ever associate such pain.
we change , we grow , we move on
all of this
I know
Somethings break and cant ever be fixed
just never realized you'd actually be missed
I long noticed the change though
calling your name didnt sound the same
and if was to dial your number I cant do it as fast as I used to
because hell I forgot the number
the thoughts of you arent so strong anymore
where they wake me from my slumber
those times when I used to wonder
will I ever see that dude again
I always knew the answer
I just never wanted to accept that the end was a looong time ago
So I just closed my eyes and acted as if I didnt know
but it was always no, because your heart lies with another
So I've just grown partial to my own dreaming in hopes of seeing that guy
you used to be.
At least now my mind is free.

2:22 last time I think of you.

tell me what you see when you look into my eyes
i've done damn well
with selling you lies
with this blessed disguise
True, im tired of having to hide
just wish I could trust you
but its cool since you've shown me I cant
Im taking the time to take out my contacts
to see things clear & exact
only looking at the facts
subtracting
the thought of happily ever afters , forgetting about dreams
just taking the time to understand what it all means
getting to know me
getting rid of anything that went along with what if .
now solely focusing on what is
See I
I never took the time to get to know you
Somehow in trying to erase a pain
that had been tossed to the back of my mind
buried it deep ,
so that you never hear that pain when I speak
which means you never got to know me either.
you were trying to erase some pain as well
occupying our bodies which bought us time to escape our minds
before we would be reminded by time that we couldnt run forever
Sooner than later and sooner for us
there went my place to escape
in all honestly we should be looking to ourselves
than subjecting someone else to our emotional hells
Never telling them the fuckedupness they are entering
for those who come after me we I wish you well
If somehow they can understand &
if somehow they lend the helping hands
I didnt have
I'm glad
that somebody , somewhere relieved you from playing solitaire
we must make them queen fast
if they put your ass back together
claiming they're so special
lets see how long the walking on air lasts
after you come down from your extasy induced high
when your crash and you fall oh so very fast
after its no longer sunny in the sky
I wonder what will happen once theres bad times?
....grass aint always greener on that other side.

Lily.

she waits
painted emotions on her face
dress cinched at her waist
long black hair
she stares
into the mirror
wondering why it feels like no one is caring

as it starts to rain
her pain starts to show and there goes her glow
its her who's left last but deserves to be first
never the chosen one when younger
it took looks to get noticed
but her looks are mistaken
and innocence was taken by curiousity
life and curiosity a bitch see
both make you slip up and trip
and thats what we do over dick
forget hearts
its our minds and bodies
that are left broken
its ashame
of the fucking games that are played
its like this is that one where i get half way around the board and you come & bump me back
to what feels like a hundred steps away from the place you dreamed to be
you say
"sorry"
but your words mean shit to me
so simply dont waste your breath
for a change give lies a rest
speak the truth this time
See i thought that we left games back in the day
when we stopped jumping rope
when we started to lose hope that Santa Claus was real
when we pinky swore and we thought "M*A*S*H" could predict our futures
things have changed and games are no longer same
she chokes on her pains
she's played games but
this is nothing she's ever felt before
playing games is no longer fun
been around the board one too many times
left with her last life
what is she to do?

when no ones home
when your alone
you for some reason ring my phone
somehow you think you run here still
something like my heart i no longer hold you near
i no longer go along with that bullshit
those hit it & quit its and those come back laters
them times when your
not looking for a laugh
but looking for some ass
them late night texts
on how you wish you could be sexin me
nigga please
I can not be that one
made that mistake before but its okay
because Im done
the jump off role isnt fun
either i am or im not
either it is or it isnt
either you care or you dont
there is no half way
so either you win my love or you lose me love
this is not that place where you can have it your way
no in betweens
which means no longer
will you find yourself between these thighs during your spare time

"Megan"

Part 1

megan pulls into her drive way
dark outside 10.30pm

she gets out the car with her purse gets chinese food out the passenger seat heads in the house ..
once in the house she kicks off her 4 inch black boots & leather jacket & wonders why she ever spent 80 dollars on shoes

she tosses the food on the kitchen counter along with the mail , phone, keys
she walks to her room grabs her laptop and adds that to the shit load of items on the kitchen counter

megan goes to her bedroom & stares in the mirror ... as she takes off her 4 sets of earrings .. and pulls her hair into a bun , looking at her blond ends and black roots , its a reminder that its time to get her hair dyed again ..
she looks at the tattoo on her neck and starts to remember the night she got it ...
in an attempt to not think about the past she starts to undress

after leaving her room she's changed clothes ... into jogging pants that read kiss my ass across the back and a white camisole.

trying to remember what day it was she realizing there was nothing on tv that night so instead she grabs her laptop, phone , chinese food & heads to the couch and watches music videos...

pretend.

excuse the suck ass title.. i cant do titles for some reason lately..


we have mastered the art of this game
We never lay together long enough for our hearts to start beating the same
talking to each other just enough to remember names
Never confusing the reasons we get together
just never
forget the rules to this game
the second you forget your position you end up getting replaced
steady wondering why you put yourself in the game anyway
& its not like cupid aimed at you
because these are games
& we're not fools
this is not love
so why are am i so
stuck.
following his speed not because you let you take the lead
its just so you don’t get too far ahead or fall too far behind
Playing tricks with your minds
& this is not love
so why do we act so blind..
String around your finger so you remember
To keep hearts out of it
So you never forget to silence what its saying on those days when
you just want someone to talk to
just want to hold his hand
want someone who fucking understands
when you just want them to help you put a smile on
you just want that one back who you would walk miles for
question I continously ask
where did my friend go?
& i know
that emotions are not be shown in this game
the truth has been masked
see
I wont tell you its like a blow to my heart when you leave me
i won't tell you how much it pains me when we are not speaking
I wont say I think about us for almost half my day
i tried to stop chasing these things & fucking around with these dreams
they just keep haunting me because I know i can do better than this situation
learning how to fight temptations
because the reality is we've just mastered the art of pretend.

misconception.

so i see them walking down the street
holding hands and laughing so happy
bright skys and rainbows
Wishing i had what it appears she has
Thinking to myself how lucky she must be
how great she must feel
that love must be real
the smile on her face cant possibly be painted on
I wonder to myself what its like to be in her shoes
not knowing that glady she would give them away
as he looked into her eyes
if i was her it would have melt my insides
for her she's just looking at the devil in disguise
Wishing she could somehow turn back the hands of time
when she was strong enough to not to relapse
before MAC covered the black
before she fell for the line im sorry
before she started accepting apologies on a daily basis
prior to wearing sunglasses in the winter
long before making up a million excuses
as to why she stays around after love knocked her down
tired of not sleeping at night
surrounded by her fears
hoping for the end of this fight for her life
if i asked to trade places she would quickly comply
graciously thank me
since everynight and everyday she is trying to conjur up some way to leave her pains
rain on me on repeat, she just wants no more drama
her blue skies are gray & what I see today
is someone who wishes things were as beautiful as they seem
someone who is just trying to piece together broken dreams.

Second Guessing.

I cant take the haults & pauses
the stops & stalling
the pausing before calling
and my reflexes kicking in before i hit send
before relapsing again
see i like smooth sailing
though most times feels like your leaving me lost at sea
I realize that maybe its because im not exactly what you need
I just wish we were on the same page
I want to free myself of the frustration of debating whether or not
if your even worth the thought
& if you arent then
why do i waste the time
and i wonder if im the only one partially out of mind
and i wonder if im ever on yours
see you are one of those types of people
that its bittersweet when meeting you because forgetting you
is almost impossible,
With these digital toys I have grown annoyed
I am missing your touch
hands on my body
gripped around my neck
I want to hear your voice
take control & put my mind at ease
make me
laugh again
I just want to be with you
I'd like to think this concept is simple
but life finds a way to complicate it
it much healthier to KISS
lets Keep It Simple Stupid
because now we are
thinking before speaking
no longer knowing honesty
starting and stopping
never making progress
always at a stand still
you start to disappear as i feared in the beginning
so i try to put you completely out of mind
but when temptation nears for me to want to relive those good times
that i relive through the nights
when i toss and turn and grip the sheets
reluctantly i am thinking of you
wondering about the next time when we or if again we would meet.
these feelings are everything but new
and nothing like far and few between
on these nights i wish i had amnesia
and on these days i wish i had some type of anesthesia
to numb how i felt
because at the end of the day
it always remains the same
who knows if the future holds that one day where
the haults and pauses
stops and stalling
pausing before calling
and my reflexes kicking in before i hit send
will end,
but until then
looks like im back to second guessing again.

tumblr.

http://www.nomoremarbles.tumblr.com

Untitled.

titles actually Untitled. , its not due to lack of thought.


i know
what it is i want
fuck the commitment shit
calls every night
the your beautiful lines ,
holding hands and skipping down the block
because everything isnt that happy
we are not concerned with
what we will call ourselves to others
we refuse to be confined to the duties of a title
no time for titles , we define us
with that being said
we are not even friends
so we aren't FWB's
because those are the benefits that only my man can receive
have no misconception of what
we be
see when those erections come its time for you to leave
--
we like to be free
relationships?
the hell does that mean? (sarcasm)
we arent those stereotypical teens
we dont need the other to validate our being
we dont do what others want us to
we do our own thing
we aren't little robot machines
we think individually
so fuck completing each others sentences
we keep the other guessing again
mixed messages sometimes we send ..
no strings attached but sometimes
our hearts don't know how to act
and with us being the emotionally ill
and unequipped for this type shit
we forgot how to deal with that
so we fall back
when the other starts to catch some type of feeling
we stop dealing
til the other stops day dreaming
about things that they
will never be seeing

wont be introducing the other to mothers
or other members of the family
its just you and I
we might keep a little hope alive for more
but we are too uncommitted and unrestricted
to be thinking about being
"together"
Togetherness will be death of this
see we don't want to argue
and have fist fights at night
because of what you did at a party
there will be no " i was jealous so i searched your phone"
no fits will be thrown
thats not how we roll
we aren't trying to blend all the heavy shit into this
its better that we exist this way
we dont want to run into those emotional walls and meltdowns
we aren't looking for that
we just want someone who will always keep us smiling
someone who keeps us from crying
when we fall too hard and we feel like dying
the one who tells us to keep trying
the one who's number we never hesistate in dialing
we just want to be each others light through the dark tunnel
something like the others diary
keeping secrets , mysteries and lifes inquiries
we carry each others key
made special & unique

no one see's what that other sees
wanting to hold the other when we need it
& love we will never speak it
since we prefer actions as they
speak louder than words
we want to be that driving force .... that pushes the other
but instead its pushing us away

we were just looking for someone else to share a little bit
of our lives with
not necessarily the rest of our lives with
though we wanted a connection that was timeless
minus
all that heavy shit
see we
like it light
we don't have to worry the pee out of each other
we dont have attitudes because we didnt call the other back
we just go with the flow
life's too short to hold grudges
& to be giving cold shoulders
we just want be ourselves
freely.

thesilentones.

the silent ones.
the built up emotions you fail to express begins to weigh tons.
You carry this weight and from it you can not run
it takes it toll and you start to come undone
you finally see that this silent game
can not be won.
--
silence is a killer & i am dying.
lacking energy since i keep trying ,
i am pushing ,
i am looking to break the silence & with these last failed attempts
i see that what i thought was here
never was or now
no longer exists
I'm feeling that you are no longer exempt
you are just like the rest of them
just as confused
refusing to admit when others you've used
how are we to care when you dont seem to
though i want to be right
& i want to continue to be polite
so i wont place blame
--
i cant understand
what it is about you that lays so heavily on my mind
stuck in my pyshce
how you got me feeling is blinding
i cant think straight
&
these thoughts take their sweet little time dying
i am constantly
thinking of what
you could have had
what I could have had
what we can have
--
i am wondering
--
why
& what really happened
--
i am waiting
for something like an explaination
to release me from this frustration
--
buts thats
only if
both parties are willing participants in speech
through our words to each other we can reach
its anybody's game
if minds are open to change
anything is possible
we just got to stop the bull
&
I can not hate you
I can not even dislike you
though i was trying to
--
its easier to love than to hate
so lets take it easy, okay?
i am wishing
you the best & nothing less than
it just takes too much energy
dealing with the negativity
i want to live happily
so i just simply
write
to break my silence
hoping the consequence
is
you breaking yours as well
SPEAK TO ME.

thisweek.

May 4, 2009 : I Realize.

Every day there's something i learn about myself
some positive some negative
im all for growing and learning from things
which is why i ask questions im not annoying or anything
i just like to be in the know , i want to understand why not and why people do what they do ( if its relating to me , I should be able to get these answers BUT i digress)

somtimes even I make the same mistakes ...( which i've done recently)
eventually its understood , okay thats the wrong thing to do and this is the right thing...
there is no handbook to your particular life , sure there are thousands of self help books..
but to me to realize things on my own is much better than believing what someone else is suggesting i do , i might ask for advice but at the end of the day ... i come to my own conclusions

My life , my rules, my own book .
which is why i decided to sit & track some of thoughts as of now with some edits ( i dont want to get angry , im chill and im remaining that way )

So moving on , back to the "realizations" of this week & last month
- I'm very much capable of being nice to & semi trusting the opposite sex
- Im persistent and I most times could really care less what people are thinking about me due to the fact regardless of what i truly am .... people are going to think what they want .... you can attempt to clear your name and clarify but everybody has their own perception

"The truth is I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was...."
-Marilyn Monroe
--------

-I cant control everything , i can not predict how things will turn out , sometimes things are just out of your hands & you move along to something / someone else
-never compromise who you are for someone else.... don't get lost in the mix of things , i feel like i compromised myself and i shouldnt have , im me and i will do me to the very ( fill in the blank) end , you either deal with it or keep it pushing

& speaking of keeping it pushing , when you decide to keep it pushing
DO NOT up & disappear ( almost like dropping off the face of the earth .... I do care whether or not your dead or alive) its RUDE and i say that with a smile,
I'm a big girl and whatever is said i can handle ; but also what I realize I can not force things out of people
I no longer have expectations because anybody is capable of ANYTHING and with expectations comes disappointments and im not in the mood to be left disappointed again...

Its said ( by others) that I have the traits of a person with A.D.D. and bi polar disorder sometimes & thats okay because im not COMPLETELY out of my mind , i do not need to be institutionalized :)

Im just a simple & complicated person .... who does not mind if you call her on her shit because i am going to call you on yours.

these thoughts were going to be about something else but .... theres no use in wasting more energy talking about situations that are out of my hands and i have no control in or over

anywho, i dont know how long i'll share these kinds of posts ...
but
i like to write , i like to use my words, expressing myself is what i do
lastly i like to share so this is what you get
also,
this is another way of keeping myself in control of my thoughts
maybe i'll end up less angry and less dissappointed in some instances in the future

Vanity.

i looked in the mirror
& i wondered
well what if i was a lil bit thinner
& i could hear the thinner girl saying
well what if i was thicker

i figured
once i hit 40"
i'd have no worries

i wanted attention
grew up wishing that i would thicken up
but now they just wanna fuck
so back to no attention or be the "video vixen"

i enjoyed
all eyes on me
as i bounce down streets
& now its 43"
ass is all they see

even those that rep "different"
& not like the others.

fuck the bullshit

he wanted in too
& its so easy to fault them
tho
i coulda put my clothes back on
i just didnt want to end with
"dont call us we'll call you" type shit
or "its not you its me"
i wanted to somehow make it a guarantee
that he
would be there when i need him
my issue is much deeper
somewhere inside
wanting to be needed
want to be respected
but i dont want to be neglected
seeking validation in the wrong ways

so i let him sink his teeth in
get inside & gave him a place to hide
did this a couple times
with different guys
and at no time
was any of it special
or worth it
since im still
alone
we cut ties
& split ways
& fuck a goodbye
we'll just say okay & walk away
& make an attempt not to look back
i am not that girl running halls in short skirts
and being that big flirt
that wasnt me
i just wanted to be what he said he needed
so if he said sex
then i said where
because i felt the need to have to share
like i had something to prove
and in bed you could see my point
yet
you still
dissapoint me

i stand in my mirror
it all is clear
i let opinions break me down and tear me apart
& i know im more than all this i just

postponed those thoughts
til im out of that zone
til we are done with the moans
and then once home
in my mirror and i can barely look at myself
been here before
& i said i wouldnt return
at no time will
i change my mind
but i did
i should have quit

looking in my mirror
i look into my eyes
these thoughts dont come as a surprise
since i think them every night
i just wanted to be needed
but i cant be everything for someone else
until im everything to myself.

Scissors.

scissors
Knives
i lived with those beloved metal shears
been tight for years
protecting
from tears
though kept me from facing
my fears

I run with scissors to not end up hurt
hold steady for those trying to lift up my skirt
trying to dig up my dirt
I hold them in front
i dont care what you want
these keep you
3 feet
speak ing
for me

"fuck you because i want nothing to do with you"

there isnt shit you can do to change my mind
at no time
will a line
a word
a can i
will be heard
I run with scissors in my hand in front
of my heart
try to get in and i'll cut you apart
i'll hurt you before you hurt me
selfish to you
helpful to me
down the road pain is all i see
so i'd rather leave you here bleeding
i won't give you the satisfaction that comes with receiving

feed into your ego is a no no
i wont show emotion

when you dont call
i wont care
i could give less of a care
about time we share
scissors & knives
i thought help me survive

cutting at you before you cut at me
at all
or too deep
or emotionally
helping to keep your distance
before i even know your name
not trying to repeat these fucking games
those games where i just lay
all appearing to be the same
guys on the same bullshit
them lines that they memorize
time and time again
pussy hungry guys
dont realize
what all lies inside
and I
wont add them in my mix

i gave my scissors a rest
& i dont know yet
if I did what was best
giving you the benefit of the doubt
when i put my scissors down
in the back of my mind
during this whole time

i know i should pick them back up & run with them
right
in
front
of my heart.

Untitled.

I find it hard to be completely honest... I make an attempt to though.


even I
have the desire to love
from time to time
even though I
hide behind that
"I don't like people to get to close to me"
type lie
its the easiest thing to say
when you fear things wont turn out the way
you want them to
when you allow those walls to disappear
& you become transparent & clear
when you feel like you want be
but your to afraid to take the step
afraid of what would come next
its easy to have sex but to feel that's much more complex
so i stray away because its hard to find the words to say
fearing the possible fall
that comes with giving your all
the sudden stop of calls
when you speak to each other
you start to stall and stutter
and every word you utter is a lie
unsure of what the other is thinking
no longer completing
each other sentences
relationship writing its own death wishes
but everything is worth a try
and i am learning to keep a optimistic mind
negative thoughts i'm willing to put aside

Maybe we

maybe we met at the wrong times
had it been
last week
last month
an hour ago
next year
five minutes from the time you read this

maybe there would be less to fear
things we would see differently
two years ago
maybe it was best i known
you
saving hearts from being disposed
love from being disowned
& secrets from being disclosed to soon

though
having exposed myself in a way now i haven't before
what am I to do
because walking away isn't an option
since fortunately
i can not go back in time
& i can not change my mind
& cant erase what has happened

tho had we met at different times
these thoughts wouldn't even be on my mind
but everything special
has its own unique design
and love & whatnot
takes time
sometimes
you have to move slow and let things fall in line
i'm a little impatient & i hate waiting
but for this
i don't mind
& i will continue with this optimistic mind
& continue to try
to not take things personal
i refuse to let hope die

I want now more than ever
what i never had
& i would like to believe that
here is my chance
though if its not
i won't walk away completely mad
see
i'm content with
the time we had
short lived
but lived at all is what matters

although here i'd rather reside because
being happy is new to me
it would be easier to deal

i cant speak for you
but I felt somethin real
Im caring more than i thought i would
more than i think i should
there's no use in controlling
how i feel
since there's no time that says when to feel
so too early or right on time
i do not mind
because
somethings
you learn
you can not control
though
as long as your feeling together
things work out better
because
love on a one way road
gives you no where to go
and in the end
you have nothing to show for
just time wasted.

Selfish?

Selfish
i think not
i just prefer the number one spot

Forgive me
If you think i am selfish
once i start to care
I
just don't like to share

very simple concept

its not jealousy
see its just
i like to be
the center of your affection
i deserve undivided attention
and you can say that im bitchin
but really im just wishing
you'd see that a good thing
that the best thing
lies in front of you
its only soo many times you can go backwards & not regret it
theres only so many times you can go backwards & people wait for you
you can only ask for them to wait for so long
you can only expect them to take so much before they are gone

some nights are personal fights
talking
sometimes yelling
trying to surpress a feeling
but i am failing
feeling slighted
trying to disguise what hides inside
you'd be surprised
by my attitude
and the magnitude all
caused by shit
you do
and all the shit you dont
that i want you to.
when i silence my phone and i sit in my zone
i'd rather be left alone than to be
the
after thought
after you think of her
when she's unvavailable
to make & participate in those unstable relations
im unable to understand ...
the situation at hand
i figure that im not meant to
my mental isnt built for bull
shit
and this is what that is
no offense
but to me
none of it makes sense
some things are meant to be left past tense
when one is trying to be and can be everything and more
i wonder how long it takes to close those doors...
and i wonder sometimes what Im doing wrong ...
only to realize ...
all along
its not me
your the one who needs
to realize some things
but i guess
realizing is not so easy.

2muchlikeME.

in the archives ... written in November ..
fun about writing is taking yourself elsewhere.

2muchlikeME.

I look in the mirror
She looks in the mirror
it becomes clearer to us that for you
this is a "problem"
knowing that i love her more than i love him
& some would even call it a sin
but when
do we live for ourselves?
whether its him or if its her
or if its both
it does not lessen my self worth
long as i am loving
why are you concerned
backs may turn
but lessons are learned
its not my issue if no guy could earn
my love
& oh how everybody wants to comment
everyone has something to say
about who i am fucking and i am loving today
find your negative thoughts somewhere else to play
let us be
who we want
without your negativity
love us because
we
love
you
so what my love is much like myself
and is nothing like he
the male species is who i would like to last see
you can not tell me
what to do with my love
you can't tell me i won't see the one above
you should stop before you judge
you are no better & dont even pretend that you are

love once you have it , you grab hold
its not something you can control
and i dont mind
because in time you all
will realize that i dont love or live for you
I just do , what i feel I need to.

♥notlive.

So

this love
this love aint right
this love aint live
this kills the hope inside
believing that love
could never be alive again

Sins
as i lay here
he steers me in his directions
as we drive ; she's no longer live
tired of going on these rides.
due to his late night erections
im here for the 'connection'
i make no objections
money is money
&
i make it how i have to
judge me if you must

it wont affect me
because
i dont do this for us
its me
i must feed
so i
fulfill
his needs
though some nights

i know it isnt right
& this life isnt for me
somehow it has creeped up inside me
like an infection
i cant get rid of
i know that i can rise above this

give me something to believe in

as he sinks deeper and deeper
my body gets weaker and weaker

i think to myself
what i will do
he replies
everything i ask you to

so as we
both slip in and out

him out of my body
and me out of my mind
i pass the time by
trying to think what life might be like
if i
try to get back to my dream
of what i see myself
possibly being if i get off these streets.
and leave these sheets..

help me though
love wont talk to me

she wont tell me

im more than a Jezebel
tell me my destination wont be hell
tell me i dont have to sell my soul
anymore

what do i do to get it all back.

the innocent one inside died
& that night
was the last time i cried
help me to remind her
she is not alone
help her feel needed again

Her heart is still bleeding
but i ignore it
wound is still sore
&
i dont know
what to do anymore

she's grown cold
&
she's closed her doors.

love's not live
help me to revive
her.

♥ you.

Thank you.
For reading.
Even more thanks
for commenting.

♥Lust

You want that one whos
sliding down poles
who's hearts have grown cold
due to men like you who
came thru
giving false hopes and lying
about being true
turning around and acting brand new
you stole from them
Leaving a hole in them
now just wanting to be whole again
they let you come again
to fill in
those empty spaces
all the places love could have went
you want the ones who bend
over backwards for you
giving and sinning but never winning
there's no
happily ever after with you
Cinderella slipped for the wrong fella
one to many times
now she's no longer like I
The views you have are screwed
I fail to see what it's due to
I dont see you as the person i use to
Sex is great and all
but when she's late and you get that call
you suggest to take life
we all know thats not right
your thought process to me is fucked
cause you want that one who sucks
you want the solid definition of a slut
and im everything but
that freak is who she be
thats the name you be
calling up in the sheets
and out in the streets
gladly
she'll yell out 'daddy'
you love to father her screams
exctasy is all it ever be
It aint always what it seem tho
Her truly
you'll never see
She's just a fantasy
Sadly one of the ones who've succumb
to do anything to please you
40 inch hips you cant get past it
you just gotta hit
see
you want the one who dips
and gets into all the freak shit
her head game right
body real tight
just how you like
you just wanna blow her back out
and pull her hair
doesnt matter
long as you get yo share
--
about her
about her
you dont care at all
that she crying on the inside each time
you cant see it in her eyes
she just continues to
drown you in her sorrow
like there is no tomorrow
n
its not like you mind
because
you'll
screw all these women
they've become each others competition
you sit back and relax
as
they go toe to toe
'cause
you just wanna know
who blows best
--
So what
you strap up
one day
guaranteed
you'll bust that one unlucky nut
now
your baby mama is the one that had dreams of being
on BET's
Uncut
I fear for your future seed
mama's back to gettin low on pole
because that's all she knows
tho Special was what she once was told
daddy's a ho and never at home
My brother
i hope that you grow
let them hoes go
go for the gold
look for them
with something like
your soul.

understandthat♥

---

forgive me for my sudden obsession for the ♥
♥=love

See i dont think you understand
better yet i know
You dont see truly who i am
I walked past
You looked back
and with that second glance
you grabbed my hand
looked into my eyes
and
i
thought to myself
how you looked like you had potential
then you opened your mouth
the whole moment went south
"damn baby you got some nice thighs
can i found out its what its like inside"
i dont even think
you saw the disconnect in my eyes
and as i
declined your offer
you had the nerve to be
surprised
what ashame
that this is the game you play
My name.. hello, hey .. how was your day
some simple shit you couldnt say?
now i'm
embarassed for you
but more for myself
cause at one point i would have let you use me til nothing was left
i would have let you take me home and we could go at it
all night long
and i wouldnt think twice
because by this time i would have just been falling for lines
thank you to those who have help me become wise.

♥'s Addiction.

**i switch persons near the end ...

I thought
i kicked this shit
Obviously
i didnt ..
I still need another hit
Im still willing
I still want you in it
....
my life that is ;)
something you do
that puts me under
never seen
never felt so amazing
been needing that feeling
lately
See
this addiction is a strange kind of thing
Cloud 9
i fly by
10
11
12
Help.
I just want a love
to love
but your none of the above
remembering that this drug isnt exclusive to me
you think
i'd be afraid to overindulge
because of
the plunge i take hitting
this hard ground..
where now
i have no voice and i make no sound
somethin like invisible
til the next visit you
make.
its that i know im not
that im not the only one
not the only one addicted
Not the only craving your attention
im not the only one standin in line
Wishing we could convict you for this crime
too bad we are willing to roll every time
im not the only one
feeling something like
hurt inside
after we come down from the high
we all watch as you leave
Goodbye.
Its those things you do that act as strings..
i allow you to continue to pull and push me
When it comes to you
still i have no limits
there's no enough that i can take
tried to find other sources but they all fake
so i wait
til i get the one
the one that beats the first in the game
No one has yet to be compared..
Some times
i stare
at my phone cuz im alone
i need a fix
for you ive become an addict
so give it to me
as i gave to you
i have to have it
so dont bullshit me
this simply is a phase ...
only if i could just get another
to get the
"fire of desire" to rage ;)
then i would turn the page
--
til then
dont judge me
cuz ive been put under
sedated by something like the greatest
love of all
love it when his love stands tall
but im
addicted
and it conflicts with everything i
once believed in
this addiction
is sick and twisted
Depiction of this little picture is perfect
thru my eyes when im high
im so far gone
that i feel like theres no coming home
no 12 step , no new drug, no one else
can help
just yet
cuz
ive strayed to far from my former self that
only my name is left
tho i feel its all right
layin in his arms
im alright
im content
feeling like its heaven sent
because
with him the ultimate high resides.

♥'s Loss.

Its in the "perfect storm"
that good hearts get weathered and worn
see I was once gone a stray
and he came and looked my way
saved the day
turned to me and said "hey"
took my hand and told me
he "understands"
"Baby it will be alright"
Somehow now
we've lost sight
Your love you used to help me sleep at night
But now
we fight
we argue
we yell and scream
we say things
we do mean
leaving our love a shattered dream
we "love" each other so much
that
we've loved each other too much
every waking second together
it shouldnt surprise us
that we too change up like the weather
We did this to ourselves
We are no longer sane
Love is no longer the same
slowly turning into hate
hate turning into rage
the fire inside pushes us to say the things love used to keep caged
At such a young age...
should be easy to turn the page
everybody see's that the
end
is
near
Losing your love was once my biggest fear
But these will be
my
last
tears
my love
my dear
my heart
you've seared
you cheated
and repeated
now love is left weakened
its true things aint what they seem
its true the grass aint always greener
... on the other side
I tried
to trust you
but fuck it.
So I
raise my white flag
and say to love
"Enough , I have had."

Speeding♥'s

Somethings
just
simply
are not meant to exist ...
just
yet
So maybe im not meant to be added to your long lengthy list
its possible that we'll never
get the chance
to
share a kiss
hold a conversation
or
even hold hands
what if we are meant to only say hello and goodbye
wait
maybe we arent even meant to speak
Vice Versa ..
maybe now im not supposed to look you in your eyes
i wonder will there ever come a time where
i'll cry over you
i mean theres nothing more that i'd rather
see is you and i
and you inside
see i want you taking me to new and much needed highs
the timing
must be incorrect
although there were sometimes
where i felt we had a connect
But i expect this from you
You cause the constant phone calls
the texts every hour
the nicknames that'd
bring shame if my mother knew about them
you bring the gifts along with the occasional bullshit
and confusion
i wonder when i know its truly you
They all want to you
i want you bad
just for a minute
maybe for a lifetime
just the chance to call you mine
if your willing
Patience is key
though i know with you easier i'll sleep
We can make each other stronger
though somedays you'll make me weak
Maybe
im to sit and wait for things to play out
it might be you who needs to make the moves
and i am the one to take it easy
make it easy for you to find me
easy to blind me
Come and remind me
its possible
and
that i deserve you
See
Maybe that is how this goes
But i'll never know when i have you
until i do.

Solved.

Distance
Darkness
Silence
Laughter
Comfort me
im content
never let go of my hand.