Vanity.

i looked in the mirror
& i wondered
well what if i was a lil bit thinner
& i could hear the thinner girl saying
well what if i was thicker

i figured
once i hit 40"
i'd have no worries

i wanted attention
grew up wishing that i would thicken up
but now they just wanna fuck
so back to no attention or be the "video vixen"

i enjoyed
all eyes on me
as i bounce down streets
& now its 43"
ass is all they see

even those that rep "different"
& not like the others.

fuck the bullshit

he wanted in too
& its so easy to fault them
tho
i coulda put my clothes back on
i just didnt want to end with
"dont call us we'll call you" type shit
or "its not you its me"
i wanted to somehow make it a guarantee
that he
would be there when i need him
my issue is much deeper
somewhere inside
wanting to be needed
want to be respected
but i dont want to be neglected
seeking validation in the wrong ways

so i let him sink his teeth in
get inside & gave him a place to hide
did this a couple times
with different guys
and at no time
was any of it special
or worth it
since im still
alone
we cut ties
& split ways
& fuck a goodbye
we'll just say okay & walk away
& make an attempt not to look back
i am not that girl running halls in short skirts
and being that big flirt
that wasnt me
i just wanted to be what he said he needed
so if he said sex
then i said where
because i felt the need to have to share
like i had something to prove
and in bed you could see my point
yet
you still
dissapoint me

i stand in my mirror
it all is clear
i let opinions break me down and tear me apart
& i know im more than all this i just

postponed those thoughts
til im out of that zone
til we are done with the moans
and then once home
in my mirror and i can barely look at myself
been here before
& i said i wouldnt return
at no time will
i change my mind
but i did
i should have quit

looking in my mirror
i look into my eyes
these thoughts dont come as a surprise
since i think them every night
i just wanted to be needed
but i cant be everything for someone else
until im everything to myself.