Leaving.

I didnt say you can go
I never gave you the okay
to walk away
I wasnt finished
I was still in it
We were no where close to done
things were next to perfect
Nothing came close to being with you
I ask myself will this ever end...
i guess good things really do
I wasnt thru
I wanted to remain true to only you
You promised me you'd stay
but today shows me otherwise
this must be on of those
"blessings in disguise"
because i cant figure out why
...
..
now is the time
you have to leave..
When you left
know that you took my words
because i dont know what to say anymore
minus i love you
but you cant hear me
im alone and talkin to myself
hiding from my reality
and sadly i dont want to find it
when i come to i'll realize ...
i have to live without you
somethin that feels impossible to do
leaving me shouldnt have been a option nor a choice
when i have to speak on your absence
i have no voice
Im constantly talkin to myself as if you are there
but you've left.. and im far from right
i fear for my mental health
I start to lose sight of my life
You didnt have the option of leaving me
who knew "forever" was deceiving
who would have thought
id be receiving that call
ending it all...
im in a mood thats past confused
its true
expect the unexpected
i need you here with me
i need you near to me
i want to argue like we used too.
i want you to piss me off
if anything ..
i just want you here leaving me is not an option
I see you when i close my eyes
i wake up and your there
staring me in my face every place i go
...and i know in my mind ...
that little sanity that has been pushed over to the side
your not even alive ...
I realize that its unbearable to survive
without you
you lied to me
we were supposed to be much more than the tears i cry at night
because thats
when it hits me that im in this shit alone
As a lay i ask myself for the hundredth time
why are you stuck in my mind
I still hear the words you've said
love scenes play in my head
remembering our conversations brings temptations
for me to join you ..
So no you dont get to leave ...
because i wont let you go.

If only

If the possibility of a mistake
was not a thought
if the idea of getting caught
didnt scare me half to death
only then i would continue to partake in this sin
So what we use protection
its when we get comfortable that leaves me guessing
because
anything is possible
I dont want to be a statistic
because the dick couldnt be resisted
If I wasnt risking my sanity and my vanity
when i lay with you
maybe i would more often
maybe i could bring myself to let you continue
i could let you push me past anything i ever did
and i wouldnt pull away
Sex just aint that as pressing as i once thought it was
No longer curious
its official that the bad outweighs the good
I dont want to be that girl pushin strollers in the hood
looking at my baby daily
and then having to tell
her that
her father didnt bother enough to stay
If i knew that
in some time
9 months to be exact
You would still be there
doctors visits, mood swings ... and everything that comes between
If the shit got real
Could you deal ??
If i really felt like i wouldnt be left by myself
Only if
the possibilitly of a mistake
Didnt lay so heavily on my mind
If a slip up after you've slipped in
didnt result in
people askin
when am i due?
Only if there wasnt the possibility
that id lay awake at 5
because im being gutted from the insides
If I could deal with being twice my size
only then would i compromise ...
If your load mistakingly creates a load for me
what in hell would we do then
yes ....WE
If my weight gain didnt possibly result in the loss of you
then i continue to do the do
If i thought that if my monthly never showed up
you wouldnt respond like "i aint the only one you fucked"
Only if
there wasnt the possibility of making a mistake
only then ..
would
the
sex
be
great.

As of now

MOVE on ..
I cant
if i could
i wouldnt
i will always go back
it is just like that...
its the way of the world
I will always be connected to the beginnings
Its where I started it all that I want to keep running to ..
the connection is a deeper than can see .. and the more i think about it
its funny u see..
I say
fuck it
there's no use in trying to fight it
im done lying and denying to
myself and others
Im into him and will always be
and i dare you to ask me why
even better question me
and understand my reply ..
cuz dammit i dont even understand it myself sometimes
what i felt never really left
Some things are forever ..
just as some people are extra clever
what ive done is
.. grown to deal
with what it is i feel
I dare you
to debate what i say
tell me this shit makes no sense
and I
will agree
you see
somethings have no explanation
im past the stages of cute flirtation
i want more
My desire for something real are much higher
Now than before ..
when i was your titleless now and later
and its later and im still playing by old rules
feels like..
but...
i want to give you more
than the just the time of day
than just a place to play
I want to give you more
I
AM
more than a playground
Sex is overrated ...
its overweighted
I dare you
to
argue me on what I just stated
too much as been placed upon how addicted you can make me
I addicted I can become
I dont want to be addicted to dick
let me be addicted to your mind this time

During sex
id like to be sedated..
If i wasnt there it would be easier to bear
If i could step outside myself ..when you want to be pleased
i could do everything you asked with such ease
But i cant
I cant step outside of myself
and be something else
im me
and im more than the eye can see
so im more than this body ..
more than your sexual fantasies
So lets talk
lets have a conversation
this is the dream im chasing
im tired of sitting in frustration
feeling the same sensation
like i'm racing alone and chasing
a destination that isnt there
holding on to
an unattainable emotion that we may never share

I should be sleeping...

Its when I'm left alone
I realize how much I can stand to be that way
I can only survive so long alone
When I'm by myself my thoughts take over
And I dont really know how it got to this point
but
Most times they're negative
I need something to give my attention to
so i wont feel like this
I want to forget what im going thru

I'm ready to curse and scream
my phone wont ring ...
i just keep getting text messages ..
from the only person that gets me ..
(most times)
others wont take the time to..
tell me im crazy and walk away from me
leaving me
alone...
but uhm .. yea phones not ringing ... tv's not on..
its just me
and this song thats lying to me..
"somebodies gon cry tonight... but it wont be my tears tonight"
They will be
...but i digress
Sleep doesnt come easy..
I stay up late and I wake up early..
Its as if im expecting something..
But as i wait .. nothing ever shows up
so next to being left sleepy ...im left dissappointed
I'm hungry ... but im too lazy to get up .. because that means
i have to do a store run..
its 7.50...
in the damn morning ..
I'm on edge ...
So im jumpin between 3 things
Either i'm sad
angry
or happy...
And then there's times where I cant tell what I am
I have a chemical imbalance ....
its the only thing that makes sense
to me..
I'm up ...lit and wired...
people in their correct mind .. would be sleep at the moment
but I
I'm up .... staring at this bright ass laptop
Im ready scream
and
curse
I dont think
people get what is Im going thru
i need people i can count on
I need people to understand my situation
I do have an issue ... and i do things i cant really help
only thing i ask is that you dont hold it against me
because I truly dont like being alone ..
It gives me time to think ..
about the bad things
ones that haunt me in my sleep
.... maybe thats why im always awake
i dont like not knowing whats goin on
its why i always ask why...
its why i dont like being ignored....
I'm losing parts of my mind .. its official ... but dont worry about me
Because in an hour
I'll be in a different world.

yea..so...uhm

Believe.

Love N Hate

what is it that keeps me coming back

What is it that has me hiding from the facts
what is it that wants me to be honest
what is that wants you to lie sometimes
... because the truth hurts too much

what is it that keeps me from wanting to walking away

what is it that stops me from hating you

... what stops me from loving you

what is that stops us from understanding each other
what is it that keeps me from letting go

what is it that makes it hard for me to say no

what is it that makes me want to love

...makes me hope for love
what is it that reminds me of the good over the bad

..... the same that reminds me of the happy rather than the sad

what is it that makes me take chances with you

What is it that makes me wait by the phone

what is it that makes me not want to be away from you

what is it tho that keeps us apart for so long

what is it that makes me still think of the you

what is it that makes me so selfish
what is that makes me happy to see you
what is that makes me glad when your gone
what is that makes me cry like nothing else can
what is that makes me want you
what is that keeps me thinking that there is a possibility of any thing
what is it that gets my hopes up even after they are let down
what is it that makes me get up early...
what is it that makes me ignore warnings
..makes me blind to the caution signs
that say this may never work
what is it that keeps the thought of you and what you do in my mind ....
...even after such a long time
what is that makes me not care if it doesnt work out
....trying is enough
What is it that makes me forgive
What is it that makes me throw those mistakes back in your face
what is it that makes me never wants your space replaced ..
What is it that makes me pay any attention
What is it that makes me ignore you
...sending your calls to voicemail
what is that i give the control to send me thru an emotional hell sometimes
what is it that makes me not want to fight you ....
what is that makes me want more
what is that makes you boring sometimes
what is that makes you blow my mind other times..
Why
is it that
I
feel
like
this
inside.

The Cycle

Joy and Pain
Love and hate
past and future
First and Last
Black and White
truths and lies
one thing that keeps them tied
that thin line
how easy it is ...
to be on that line
all the time
day and night
always unable
to make up your mind
opposites and sames
What are we to think of this game?
How many times in life do we play it ...
This never ending trend
of having to forgive
not knowing when its really the end ...
and who tends to the broken hearts... and shattered dreams
Since the ones that hurt you usually leave and if they stay things wont ever be the same
Ive started to hold everything against everybody..
holding things against people who've done nothing to me
i never forget anything though..
doesnt matter what they've done
little or small
i remember it all
seems like if i let them back in
the same shit happens again ..
Feel like i cant fuckin win ...
same ol shit
Some situations you just cant fix with gifts or even words ..
none of it is truly the solution
material things
cant help what im feeling
its the one thing you cant buy
Time is the only thing that can change minds ..and heal the inside
There's no one word to fulfill
what i feel
I dont know what to say to get my message across
Im at a lost of what to do
when im not in control
I dont like this roll
I hate losing ... and then losing in a game thats been played before
its like
Closed doors left unlocked ..the past can always welcome it self back in
And its up to you whether out not you want to deal again
I dont think i can play the same game twice but i find myself ready to roll the dice
And take my chances ... again
Somethings pushing me from within to just give
Maybe i wont get the same result in the end ..
Everyone makes mistakes .... but we play the forgiveness game and so things arent the same ... supposedly ...

Truth.

In a world of people who contridict themselves

how am i supposed to tell who's telling

the truth

Its true honesty is the best policy

It doesnt let me lead a life so blindly

So I thank you ever so much ahead of time

if you keep in mind to keep those lies to yourself

Put them on hold, leave them on the shelf and save them for someone else

Because

I

dont want to hear it

have a hard time letting people in life

see it as just a waste of time

since so many people lie

dont have the patience to tell truths from lies

some sound so good

I want to believe it

But then I think about the day

I'd realize what they say is nothin but lies

just to think about the hurt i'd have inside

I dont want to let anyone in my life

Im sensitive beyond belief, but you'd never see that because i wont give you the chance to

Instead im defensive and what i say may sound rude

it keeps me away from some really good people

but people aint always what they seem to be

i dont trust people so easily

this applies especially to guys

all them ones who run game

you should be ashamed

Claming me her and she

saying false things just so you can get between

must be that desperate for sex

Dont fill my head with that bullshit you talkin

i'd appreciate it if you kept on walking

if you not gon tell me the truth

Dont beat around bushes that i can see thru

AND

if its sex you want lets not have a conversation

that'll only add to my frustration

Since i know you dont care about shit I got to say

Since sex is what you want anyway

Dont bother asking for my name

Cuz i cant stand this game

The lines you use the things you say

Its why i cant take compliments ..

See I read between the lines.. even when theres nothing there

When a guy is inclined to say oh she's cute or oh she's fine

that one line that comes next

do she gotta man .. ima make her mine

And when I hear, it appears like this

you tellin me im cute to get me to listen

Asking for my number so you can come and visit

Making me yours by leavin your mark

and when i dont let you in thats when the shit starts

and i'll never hear from you again

Same shit diffrent toilet

whicheva way you want to call it

I

dont like when people have hidden agendas

I have a wall .. built by 17 years of negative ideas

Takes a long time to tear down but seconds to re-build

things that tear it down are things that are real and i can truly feel

If its any other way ..

Ill keep building brick by brick... until I something real hits ... will i be ready to quit.