If only

If the possibility of a mistake
was not a thought
if the idea of getting caught
didnt scare me half to death
only then i would continue to partake in this sin
So what we use protection
its when we get comfortable that leaves me guessing
because
anything is possible
I dont want to be a statistic
because the dick couldnt be resisted
If I wasnt risking my sanity and my vanity
when i lay with you
maybe i would more often
maybe i could bring myself to let you continue
i could let you push me past anything i ever did
and i wouldnt pull away
Sex just aint that as pressing as i once thought it was
No longer curious
its official that the bad outweighs the good
I dont want to be that girl pushin strollers in the hood
looking at my baby daily
and then having to tell
her that
her father didnt bother enough to stay
If i knew that
in some time
9 months to be exact
You would still be there
doctors visits, mood swings ... and everything that comes between
If the shit got real
Could you deal ??
If i really felt like i wouldnt be left by myself
Only if
the possibilitly of a mistake
Didnt lay so heavily on my mind
If a slip up after you've slipped in
didnt result in
people askin
when am i due?
Only if there wasnt the possibility
that id lay awake at 5
because im being gutted from the insides
If I could deal with being twice my size
only then would i compromise ...
If your load mistakingly creates a load for me
what in hell would we do then
yes ....WE
If my weight gain didnt possibly result in the loss of you
then i continue to do the do
If i thought that if my monthly never showed up
you wouldnt respond like "i aint the only one you fucked"
Only if
there wasnt the possibility of making a mistake
only then ..
would
the
sex
be
great.

As of now

MOVE on ..
I cant
if i could
i wouldnt
i will always go back
it is just like that...
its the way of the world
I will always be connected to the beginnings
Its where I started it all that I want to keep running to ..
the connection is a deeper than can see .. and the more i think about it
its funny u see..
I say
fuck it
there's no use in trying to fight it
im done lying and denying to
myself and others
Im into him and will always be
and i dare you to ask me why
even better question me
and understand my reply ..
cuz dammit i dont even understand it myself sometimes
what i felt never really left
Some things are forever ..
just as some people are extra clever
what ive done is
.. grown to deal
with what it is i feel
I dare you
to debate what i say
tell me this shit makes no sense
and I
will agree
you see
somethings have no explanation
im past the stages of cute flirtation
i want more
My desire for something real are much higher
Now than before ..
when i was your titleless now and later
and its later and im still playing by old rules
feels like..
but...
i want to give you more
than the just the time of day
than just a place to play
I want to give you more
I
AM
more than a playground
Sex is overrated ...
its overweighted
I dare you
to
argue me on what I just stated
too much as been placed upon how addicted you can make me
I addicted I can become
I dont want to be addicted to dick
let me be addicted to your mind this time

During sex
id like to be sedated..
If i wasnt there it would be easier to bear
If i could step outside myself ..when you want to be pleased
i could do everything you asked with such ease
But i cant
I cant step outside of myself
and be something else
im me
and im more than the eye can see
so im more than this body ..
more than your sexual fantasies
So lets talk
lets have a conversation
this is the dream im chasing
im tired of sitting in frustration
feeling the same sensation
like i'm racing alone and chasing
a destination that isnt there
holding on to
an unattainable emotion that we may never share

I should be sleeping...

Its when I'm left alone
I realize how much I can stand to be that way
I can only survive so long alone
When I'm by myself my thoughts take over
And I dont really know how it got to this point
but
Most times they're negative
I need something to give my attention to
so i wont feel like this
I want to forget what im going thru

I'm ready to curse and scream
my phone wont ring ...
i just keep getting text messages ..
from the only person that gets me ..
(most times)
others wont take the time to..
tell me im crazy and walk away from me
leaving me
alone...
but uhm .. yea phones not ringing ... tv's not on..
its just me
and this song thats lying to me..
"somebodies gon cry tonight... but it wont be my tears tonight"
They will be
...but i digress
Sleep doesnt come easy..
I stay up late and I wake up early..
Its as if im expecting something..
But as i wait .. nothing ever shows up
so next to being left sleepy ...im left dissappointed
I'm hungry ... but im too lazy to get up .. because that means
i have to do a store run..
its 7.50...
in the damn morning ..
I'm on edge ...
So im jumpin between 3 things
Either i'm sad
angry
or happy...
And then there's times where I cant tell what I am
I have a chemical imbalance ....
its the only thing that makes sense
to me..
I'm up ...lit and wired...
people in their correct mind .. would be sleep at the moment
but I
I'm up .... staring at this bright ass laptop
Im ready scream
and
curse
I dont think
people get what is Im going thru
i need people i can count on
I need people to understand my situation
I do have an issue ... and i do things i cant really help
only thing i ask is that you dont hold it against me
because I truly dont like being alone ..
It gives me time to think ..
about the bad things
ones that haunt me in my sleep
.... maybe thats why im always awake
i dont like not knowing whats goin on
its why i always ask why...
its why i dont like being ignored....
I'm losing parts of my mind .. its official ... but dont worry about me
Because in an hour
I'll be in a different world.

yea..so...uhm

Believe.

Love N Hate

what is it that keeps me coming back

What is it that has me hiding from the facts
what is it that wants me to be honest
what is that wants you to lie sometimes
... because the truth hurts too much

what is it that keeps me from wanting to walking away

what is it that stops me from hating you

... what stops me from loving you

what is that stops us from understanding each other
what is it that keeps me from letting go

what is it that makes it hard for me to say no

what is it that makes me want to love

...makes me hope for love
what is it that reminds me of the good over the bad

..... the same that reminds me of the happy rather than the sad

what is it that makes me take chances with you

What is it that makes me wait by the phone

what is it that makes me not want to be away from you

what is it tho that keeps us apart for so long

what is it that makes me still think of the you

what is it that makes me so selfish
what is that makes me happy to see you
what is that makes me glad when your gone
what is that makes me cry like nothing else can
what is that makes me want you
what is that keeps me thinking that there is a possibility of any thing
what is it that gets my hopes up even after they are let down
what is it that makes me get up early...
what is it that makes me ignore warnings
..makes me blind to the caution signs
that say this may never work
what is it that keeps the thought of you and what you do in my mind ....
...even after such a long time
what is that makes me not care if it doesnt work out
....trying is enough
What is it that makes me forgive
What is it that makes me throw those mistakes back in your face
what is it that makes me never wants your space replaced ..
What is it that makes me pay any attention
What is it that makes me ignore you
...sending your calls to voicemail
what is that i give the control to send me thru an emotional hell sometimes
what is it that makes me not want to fight you ....
what is that makes me want more
what is that makes you boring sometimes
what is that makes you blow my mind other times..
Why
is it that
I
feel
like
this
inside.