I should be sleeping...

Its when I'm left alone
I realize how much I can stand to be that way
I can only survive so long alone
When I'm by myself my thoughts take over
And I dont really know how it got to this point
but
Most times they're negative
I need something to give my attention to
so i wont feel like this
I want to forget what im going thru

I'm ready to curse and scream
my phone wont ring ...
i just keep getting text messages ..
from the only person that gets me ..
(most times)
others wont take the time to..
tell me im crazy and walk away from me
leaving me
alone...
but uhm .. yea phones not ringing ... tv's not on..
its just me
and this song thats lying to me..
"somebodies gon cry tonight... but it wont be my tears tonight"
They will be
...but i digress
Sleep doesnt come easy..
I stay up late and I wake up early..
Its as if im expecting something..
But as i wait .. nothing ever shows up
so next to being left sleepy ...im left dissappointed
I'm hungry ... but im too lazy to get up .. because that means
i have to do a store run..
its 7.50...
in the damn morning ..
I'm on edge ...
So im jumpin between 3 things
Either i'm sad
angry
or happy...
And then there's times where I cant tell what I am
I have a chemical imbalance ....
its the only thing that makes sense
to me..
I'm up ...lit and wired...
people in their correct mind .. would be sleep at the moment
but I
I'm up .... staring at this bright ass laptop
Im ready scream
and
curse
I dont think
people get what is Im going thru
i need people i can count on
I need people to understand my situation
I do have an issue ... and i do things i cant really help
only thing i ask is that you dont hold it against me
because I truly dont like being alone ..
It gives me time to think ..
about the bad things
ones that haunt me in my sleep
.... maybe thats why im always awake
i dont like not knowing whats goin on
its why i always ask why...
its why i dont like being ignored....
I'm losing parts of my mind .. its official ... but dont worry about me
Because in an hour
I'll be in a different world.

yea..so...uhm

Believe.

Love N Hate

what is it that keeps me coming back

What is it that has me hiding from the facts
what is it that wants me to be honest
what is that wants you to lie sometimes
... because the truth hurts too much

what is it that keeps me from wanting to walking away

what is it that stops me from hating you

... what stops me from loving you

what is that stops us from understanding each other
what is it that keeps me from letting go

what is it that makes it hard for me to say no

what is it that makes me want to love

...makes me hope for love
what is it that reminds me of the good over the bad

..... the same that reminds me of the happy rather than the sad

what is it that makes me take chances with you

What is it that makes me wait by the phone

what is it that makes me not want to be away from you

what is it tho that keeps us apart for so long

what is it that makes me still think of the you

what is it that makes me so selfish
what is that makes me happy to see you
what is that makes me glad when your gone
what is that makes me cry like nothing else can
what is that makes me want you
what is that keeps me thinking that there is a possibility of any thing
what is it that gets my hopes up even after they are let down
what is it that makes me get up early...
what is it that makes me ignore warnings
..makes me blind to the caution signs
that say this may never work
what is it that keeps the thought of you and what you do in my mind ....
...even after such a long time
what is that makes me not care if it doesnt work out
....trying is enough
What is it that makes me forgive
What is it that makes me throw those mistakes back in your face
what is it that makes me never wants your space replaced ..
What is it that makes me pay any attention
What is it that makes me ignore you
...sending your calls to voicemail
what is that i give the control to send me thru an emotional hell sometimes
what is it that makes me not want to fight you ....
what is that makes me want more
what is that makes you boring sometimes
what is that makes you blow my mind other times..
Why
is it that
I
feel
like
this
inside.

The Cycle

Joy and Pain
Love and hate
past and future
First and Last
Black and White
truths and lies
one thing that keeps them tied
that thin line
how easy it is ...
to be on that line
all the time
day and night
always unable
to make up your mind
opposites and sames
What are we to think of this game?
How many times in life do we play it ...
This never ending trend
of having to forgive
not knowing when its really the end ...
and who tends to the broken hearts... and shattered dreams
Since the ones that hurt you usually leave and if they stay things wont ever be the same
Ive started to hold everything against everybody..
holding things against people who've done nothing to me
i never forget anything though..
doesnt matter what they've done
little or small
i remember it all
seems like if i let them back in
the same shit happens again ..
Feel like i cant fuckin win ...
same ol shit
Some situations you just cant fix with gifts or even words ..
none of it is truly the solution
material things
cant help what im feeling
its the one thing you cant buy
Time is the only thing that can change minds ..and heal the inside
There's no one word to fulfill
what i feel
I dont know what to say to get my message across
Im at a lost of what to do
when im not in control
I dont like this roll
I hate losing ... and then losing in a game thats been played before
its like
Closed doors left unlocked ..the past can always welcome it self back in
And its up to you whether out not you want to deal again
I dont think i can play the same game twice but i find myself ready to roll the dice
And take my chances ... again
Somethings pushing me from within to just give
Maybe i wont get the same result in the end ..
Everyone makes mistakes .... but we play the forgiveness game and so things arent the same ... supposedly ...

Truth.

In a world of people who contridict themselves

how am i supposed to tell who's telling

the truth

Its true honesty is the best policy

It doesnt let me lead a life so blindly

So I thank you ever so much ahead of time

if you keep in mind to keep those lies to yourself

Put them on hold, leave them on the shelf and save them for someone else

Because

I

dont want to hear it

have a hard time letting people in life

see it as just a waste of time

since so many people lie

dont have the patience to tell truths from lies

some sound so good

I want to believe it

But then I think about the day

I'd realize what they say is nothin but lies

just to think about the hurt i'd have inside

I dont want to let anyone in my life

Im sensitive beyond belief, but you'd never see that because i wont give you the chance to

Instead im defensive and what i say may sound rude

it keeps me away from some really good people

but people aint always what they seem to be

i dont trust people so easily

this applies especially to guys

all them ones who run game

you should be ashamed

Claming me her and she

saying false things just so you can get between

must be that desperate for sex

Dont fill my head with that bullshit you talkin

i'd appreciate it if you kept on walking

if you not gon tell me the truth

Dont beat around bushes that i can see thru

AND

if its sex you want lets not have a conversation

that'll only add to my frustration

Since i know you dont care about shit I got to say

Since sex is what you want anyway

Dont bother asking for my name

Cuz i cant stand this game

The lines you use the things you say

Its why i cant take compliments ..

See I read between the lines.. even when theres nothing there

When a guy is inclined to say oh she's cute or oh she's fine

that one line that comes next

do she gotta man .. ima make her mine

And when I hear, it appears like this

you tellin me im cute to get me to listen

Asking for my number so you can come and visit

Making me yours by leavin your mark

and when i dont let you in thats when the shit starts

and i'll never hear from you again

Same shit diffrent toilet

whicheva way you want to call it

I

dont like when people have hidden agendas

I have a wall .. built by 17 years of negative ideas

Takes a long time to tear down but seconds to re-build

things that tear it down are things that are real and i can truly feel

If its any other way ..

Ill keep building brick by brick... until I something real hits ... will i be ready to quit.