Can you Understand?

I dont know anymore
how to even the score
while everyone is getting their points
i try so hard to get mines across

love ramble

He stood for everything

I wouldnt get into

All of what I swore I wouldnt be apart of

Guess I was already in love with his potential

They say there's nothing like a black man with a plan

Had to be something to have me give in as I did

Feel like I have to be there for him as if its an obligation now

because we all know... "Nobody, but nobody can make it out here alone"



In the past

they'd ask me if I loved them

Trying to somehow clarify

I'd reply with some shit like well...

I would care if you died

if they were around long enough

I'd add in

" & I'd even cry"



He tells me he loves me

Tells me how I dont care

and the best I can come up with

is blank stares

Being that I'm not prepared

But I feel much more than my previous practiced lines can express

Though I cant seem to say I love you because it doesnt feel like love

But how can I recall something that I never been in?

I've always been on the road to but never quite there...



What would it be then when ...

being with him is enough

when waking up and sleeping in his arms feels like best thing

When I dont feel like I'm kept around in efforts to get sex

when short visits turned into long stays

into longer days

days where I want to be everything he needs

where I want to give him everything he wants

knowing that he works to give the same to me



the I'd care if you die line was a cop out

It's the run scared

Its the Imma pretend I dont want the responsbilities of a relationship

because Im scared it might fail

I cant have people knowing you "got" me

but I dont want you to date other girls

And still have to always tell me I'm the prettiest girl in the world

(doesnt make much sense right?)



How do I say you mean everything to me and when you dont call I cant sleep

I cant go weeks without seeing you

How I'm in love with almost everything you do

and even when I'm not satisfied with you ... You find a way to make me want you again..

but that doesnt neccesarily mean

I love you

you would mean mind body and soul

all of you

parts of which I'm still getting to know

Maybe I next time I can reply with

I'm in love with falling in love with you....

I'll only know when the time comes again

see this is just me making pointless attempts

to make love seem like some movie

direct every scene and rehearse every line

&

if love is natural

The only thing that can reveal love is time.

When I think of him
I wish that I recieve him in the form of someone else
And I can blame it on the drinks
but I think
this was real
It was like something I had dreamed so long before to feel
magical and surreal
here it was finally
right next to me
arms around me
held me like no one ever had
hand in mines
as he told me everything on his mind
as I listened with open ears and an open mind
lost track of time
I
dont understand what exactly it was he did to make me give a shit whether this is the last time or not
I feel guilty for wishing it was with someone else tho
like why couldnt the ex continue to make me feel this way
& I wonder why the first had to be so selfish
this love thing has become a live thing
and I live for these moments
these moments where everything is still
its just his eyes and mines
where I feel
like he's the most amazing person
i shouldnt be holding on to that moment
as if it will be the last
but the past has proven that I get moments
None of us get forever but can I get the possiblitity?
Can I get maybe or a probably?
Something besides clinging to minutes and seconds
the thought of us seems unreal , impratical and a little illogical
but thats what love is
thats what life is
so I continue to live for our moments
in hopes that we can roll the dice and land
on forever
together

player.lover. as he tries to do while undercover

player by day

lover by night

play her by dayl

ove her by night

I was baby instantly since the day we met

though I dont see anything mongamous with him

He says he wants to be with me

and that he is

So I guess he's honest

because he never said only me

Call me psychic better just call me foolish

I see him on the creep as well, in the sheets

with this one and that one it aint hard to tell

saying this that , that and the third

and still have nerve to ask me for the pussy

I see words

he says to me I love you

and though his eyes read truth

as if he really wants to believe that

as if he hopes one day that he can say that and feel that

I tell him its all in what you do

Its not in the things you say

Its everything you do

that would make me believe the

"i love you"

Words was all I ever got with him

Promises

baby I promise this , I promise that

I know he cant seperate love and lust

He claims I'm everything he wants

but when she comes along

and she's less demanding

who gets left standing for love?

This time it wont be me

because I'm not as quick this time to believe

I mean

I used to get calls at three in the morning to say nothing but give me a chance

give me the time of day

And after a 99 times what am I to say?

Why not?

So I do

and this I love you

will be full of shit too

at least I can say I tried

its you.... again.

you did this to me

woke me from sleep

then woke me from my dreams

you were like fairytales but now I cant tell

like fantasies

but I forgot everything dies

& sometimes you dont get that last ride

everytime I think your staying you leave

So I'm always hesistant to recieve you

you've moved too fast while other times you've moved to slow

and by the time you came around

the door had been closed

you cant be written or set in stone

one of those things that just have to left alone

even when it hurts

because see this time I thought I felt you in my soul

and the goal was to use you

but I see now you are one of those things that isnt up to debate

Either out or in

& I never been good with answering direct questions.

So I said yes

But I wonder now , was it because I was rushing..

trying to make claims but somehow still play the game

I guess this is some strange way of you telling me

I knew better than to lie

I knew better than to be in those games

I knew better than to think I didnt have to try

You take so much out of us

that we dont want to give that much of you

Even if thats what we think we want to do

To say

I love him

Is entirely too hard to do...because its a feeling and not a thought process

I never want to move to fast & fall too soon

speaking lies wishing one day they turn true
hoping that this person your in here with never turned on me

All this because I never wanted to be that one left without you

So I next time when you come

I wont doubt you

Ill just answer with yes or no.

I wont think about it.
Love.

6.23

i know you've gotten in my mind
because last week i thought it was replacement time
but i couldnt bring myself to say goodbye
everything i miss
not only do i see but I feel you in my dreams
now waking me up and i want to scream

im close enough to crying myself to sleep
thats how deep this feeling goes
I never had to put this into words..
&
I never use I love you so I dont know what it means when you do

ME , Im selfish
selfish for searching for things that would
deem it easy for me to leave
im used to being lied to
so I tried to believe that this was you too
but I know all to well thats not true
& I wish
I could bring myself to say those things
but I never wanted you to know Im that selfish

I wanted you to always know Im that one who understands
Im that one who "gets it"
but my heart has new demands
& like castles in the sand when the winds descend
I found it hard to stand
and i figured it was easier to drift away

so when you asked again
I lied
said i was fine
when really I was just looking
for the time to say goodbye

but subsitution isnt what Im into
I just need you.

i need those times
when are minds bodies and souls are aligned
I want your hand in mines
I need the whole nine
but most of all
I just need the time

So while being alone
I make attempts at being content
I hold my hand as I lay
i try to sleep
i try to not breathe so deep
so i can remember what it sounds like
when im close enough to hear your heart beat

so when I tell you im okay
know that this is what I've been thinking all day.

Part II

You are hilarious.
And I am stupid.
introducing others to what happens when cupid bullshits.
Because even though I know
you use me as the punch line to your jokes
you tell lies that if you climbed to the top of them
you could touch the sky
& I know this
I know every word out your mouth is dishonesty
but honestly
I dont listen
I feel
I feel that warmth while in your arms
Im not with you for the charm
whats done in the dark always comes to light
so I let
you undress
me carefully
thru the day
so you never see that im scarred

the more I said I'd never become that girl …
I became that girl
Now all I can do is think back to girl I was
but its not like I can get her back
that innocence is long gone
but my ignorance is still live
I refused to realize
she is me and i am her
I didnt learn from what I had seen
she is nothing but the reflection of me
after life has done its thing
So I kept right on denying
She was not me and I would never be her
I knew what I was doing
Pretended like I didnt know it was me I was fooling
trying to make myself believe that I wasnt her
but I was
and I am.
So lifes decided to kick me around
and im not screaming or making sounds
all you'll hear is
I told you so
I ignored my signs
So this isnt really news
I figured I just needed to have a plan... so I hid and I ran
but you cant run from whats true
in the end he will always get you
get you to show you greater things
I abused the right of having my own opinion
When I needed to have one I didnt
so those possiblities become a
possibly me.
and while waiting
I think the same thing
How can I forget
that she is me and I am her?

he said to her your beautiful
this was far from unusual
but she couldnt see what was so beautiful about the tears she cried thru swollen eyes
what was so beautiful about limps that she blamed on trips
the pleasure he gains from her aches and pains
its ashame
that even after taking lives
she decides to play blind
just because she is wife
and to her divorce is a sign of giving up
so she’d rather die trying
she'd rather die crying..
die lying in a bed of her own fear.

thefifth.

"I love it when he says
he's about to leave and instead of letting me go
he holds me closer
& somehow
I thought I wouldnt get like this
like when he's gone to long its him I start to miss
I just want him to hold me tight
arms placed around my waist
look into my eyes in that way that makes me want to say I love you
makes me want to waste every second minute and hour
sometimes I just want to dedicate every damn day
just to lay in those arms
holding his hand like good luck charms
i've become completely unarmed
I no longer want to fight
love cant be planned
things like this it cant be rehearsed
so I just cross fingers that I always end up with the gift instead of the curse
I dont know what happens next month or next year
its just that days without him I'd fear

boys.

when will we learn

boys trying so hard to be men
I'd drink & I'd smoke & I'd lay up with him
see I wanted him to know that I'd risk it all
give in to all sins
I wanted to prove to him I was down
that there was no other like me
pleasing in ways I never known
bending over backwards
only to regret it all the morning after
Undeserving of that much energy
but I allowed him to make me believe
all that shit that was make believe
pysched myself out trying to see what he was all about
erase the hurt from before
but the rush job only landed me to hurt some more
see niggas will be niggas , that I should've known
see niggas cant see past hoes
& I couldnt see that I was better off alone
I gave in
even when the thoughts begin
'I will never win his heart'
but you cant play love smart
it is what it is
he had a way with the words
saying this that and the third

boys just trying to be men
who pretend they carry the weight of the world
somebody told them that was the standard
to be made of steel & afraid to feel
& to always say
"real recognize real"

We can scream I love you
its as if we have no voice
because one is never enough
he needs two
& three
her me and she
trust nobody
it might even be a he
if any of its the case then
he bsimply
dont need me
granted I believe in second chances
I just dont believe in the late night high ride romances
consider this my apologies in advance.

pop, pop, pop , pop
my heart stops
the lies you tell like gunshots
blows to my soul
which way do I go?
white lights in sight , i can no longer fight
As I flatline you cry you sigh
do wish that you could rewind time
to find the truth
see myself in you
feel how I felt
realize what its like when its nothing left.
When who you love has done all they can
when the waves have come in and washed away the initials with the heart from the sand…
just love me was my last demand
If only you can return those minutes seconds and hours
that you spent chasing what you had at home
those were ours
that was mines , stepped out on my love one too many times
you dont know how good you had it til, I'm gone
you dont know how much I gave until you look back and theres nothing to be saved
& when you can no longer call my name & i love yous falls onto deaf ears
nothing you can do to make it clear
with the end near
you realize that you shouldnt have played those games
just love & life would be saved
here goes to the end of days.

—oliviashanaye.

I heard that thug love was the best love
I dont mind dating danger
so I chose to test the theory
but since i'm aware that when I'm laid up in my sheets he's somewhere in the streets
when I watch the news I hold my breath and stare.
im too scared that a story with his name will air
breaking my heart to pieces that cant ever be repaired
im just that scared that ill be left with a love undeclared
leaving me to be left speechless, love less , and with much stress
needless to say
so those days when your m.i.a
I pray because if I lost you to the streets
It would be the end of my days
I'm in no condition to sit
to miss & reminisce
I wouldnt want us to be unfinished
leave too soon
i'll never see the honey moon
i'd wear black before i could wear white
i'd be the one left with sleepless nights
because i couldnt bear to see in you my dreams
to know that we would no longer would be a team
I dont want to fall victim to such a thing.
so let me not love you.
because truth is
if I woke up without you
its irreversible damage that my heart cant manage.
So i'm going to not love you.
and i'll just be repeating that until its truth.

See you didnt tell me how my ass was fat
just that you could stare into my eyes all night
and never once asked if you could be inside while doing so
I found a love where I can take pleasure in the little things like sentence finishing
I love you
not only do I love you
i breathe you
Cut me see I bleed you
this shit runs deep
like when your asleep
and my heads on your chest and I cant rest
I listen to your heart beat
I feel so complete knowing the loves concrete
I believe you must have seen something , somehow snuck up in my dreams
because you be everything I need
Showing me a love so heavenly
that I constantly search for those wings
see this
is no fling , the real thing
i barely have to call your name
when im hurt you know my pain
nothing can come and make that change
belong together
made thru all types of weather
you know that i'm down for whatever
whenever
wherever
our hearts like pieces of art
abstracts to be exact
our love is nothing like we ever had
I dont need memories because everyday with you is beautiful
everyday with you is better than the last so I'll never find myself reminiscing about the past
everyday is fresh and new as long as that day includes you
I dont just lust for you
I dont just like you
but that other 4 letter word most defintely I do.

Slowly but Surely. (2)

For some it takes longer to realize things
It should be obvious to me
knowing
your heart lies with another
for some reason though
those words were hard for me to utter
Hanging on to the past
as if that first would be my last
keeping memories that no longer have meanings
I tried fighting temptations
but In an attempt to get back what I once missed
I decided not to lock up safe like I used too &
I let you come inside and strip me of my valuables
Now realizing how much you've gotten to me
Hard to sleep with the guilt I feel see
I just tell myself that mistakes are made and I'll be okay.
I can move on and one day wont think twice about you.
they say in time wounds heal..
but that doesnt seem so real
knowing that i've been dealing with this on and off for 2 whole years
It just wasn't as easy for me
though this may not be truth more and more I feel as if you
were wasted time ...
I knew the kind of shit I was in and I'd just pretend
that none of it fucked with my mind
today I fell for the last time
and though for longest I blamed you
this time I blame that one in the mirror
because her sight should be clearer now..
I know your bullshit like the back of my hand
I dont understand how I break my plans
I said you no longer run here still
deep inside I just wanted to feel like I used too
I see now that feeling is too far gone to ever get back.
Its when I relapsed I realized how bad I wanted to stay on track..
its like some type of drug and I want to stay above your influence
And with that
this
is the end.

-----

I used to wonder what happened to that oh so cool smooth dude that I once knew
I didnt want to let him go
so I grew partial to that someone new and I held on in hopes
that the one I knew would come back soon
my thoughts in vein
thinking back I'm a little ashamed
that I could ever fall victim to such game
especially since we always played it the same
never new rules
I never thought that there would come a day where I'd hate to hear your name
When I'd hate to see your face
I never thought that the feeling you used to give me , I'd still chase today
Never knew that with you I would ever associate such pain.
we change , we grow , we move on
all of this
I know
Somethings break and cant ever be fixed
just never realized you'd actually be missed
I long noticed the change though
calling your name didnt sound the same
and if was to dial your number I cant do it as fast as I used to
because hell I forgot the number
the thoughts of you arent so strong anymore
where they wake me from my slumber
those times when I used to wonder
will I ever see that dude again
I always knew the answer
I just never wanted to accept that the end was a looong time ago
So I just closed my eyes and acted as if I didnt know
but it was always no, because your heart lies with another
So I've just grown partial to my own dreaming in hopes of seeing that guy
you used to be.
At least now my mind is free.

2:22 last time I think of you.

tell me what you see when you look into my eyes
i've done damn well
with selling you lies
with this blessed disguise
True, im tired of having to hide
just wish I could trust you
but its cool since you've shown me I cant
Im taking the time to take out my contacts
to see things clear & exact
only looking at the facts
subtracting
the thought of happily ever afters , forgetting about dreams
just taking the time to understand what it all means
getting to know me
getting rid of anything that went along with what if .
now solely focusing on what is
See I
I never took the time to get to know you
Somehow in trying to erase a pain
that had been tossed to the back of my mind
buried it deep ,
so that you never hear that pain when I speak
which means you never got to know me either.
you were trying to erase some pain as well
occupying our bodies which bought us time to escape our minds
before we would be reminded by time that we couldnt run forever
Sooner than later and sooner for us
there went my place to escape
in all honestly we should be looking to ourselves
than subjecting someone else to our emotional hells
Never telling them the fuckedupness they are entering
for those who come after me we I wish you well
If somehow they can understand &
if somehow they lend the helping hands
I didnt have
I'm glad
that somebody , somewhere relieved you from playing solitaire
we must make them queen fast
if they put your ass back together
claiming they're so special
lets see how long the walking on air lasts
after you come down from your extasy induced high
when your crash and you fall oh so very fast
after its no longer sunny in the sky
I wonder what will happen once theres bad times?
....grass aint always greener on that other side.

Lily.

she waits
painted emotions on her face
dress cinched at her waist
long black hair
she stares
into the mirror
wondering why it feels like no one is caring

as it starts to rain
her pain starts to show and there goes her glow
its her who's left last but deserves to be first
never the chosen one when younger
it took looks to get noticed
but her looks are mistaken
and innocence was taken by curiousity
life and curiosity a bitch see
both make you slip up and trip
and thats what we do over dick
forget hearts
its our minds and bodies
that are left broken
its ashame
of the fucking games that are played
its like this is that one where i get half way around the board and you come & bump me back
to what feels like a hundred steps away from the place you dreamed to be
you say
"sorry"
but your words mean shit to me
so simply dont waste your breath
for a change give lies a rest
speak the truth this time
See i thought that we left games back in the day
when we stopped jumping rope
when we started to lose hope that Santa Claus was real
when we pinky swore and we thought "M*A*S*H" could predict our futures
things have changed and games are no longer same
she chokes on her pains
she's played games but
this is nothing she's ever felt before
playing games is no longer fun
been around the board one too many times
left with her last life
what is she to do?

when no ones home
when your alone
you for some reason ring my phone
somehow you think you run here still
something like my heart i no longer hold you near
i no longer go along with that bullshit
those hit it & quit its and those come back laters
them times when your
not looking for a laugh
but looking for some ass
them late night texts
on how you wish you could be sexin me
nigga please
I can not be that one
made that mistake before but its okay
because Im done
the jump off role isnt fun
either i am or im not
either it is or it isnt
either you care or you dont
there is no half way
so either you win my love or you lose me love
this is not that place where you can have it your way
no in betweens
which means no longer
will you find yourself between these thighs during your spare time

"Megan"

Part 1

megan pulls into her drive way
dark outside 10.30pm

she gets out the car with her purse gets chinese food out the passenger seat heads in the house ..
once in the house she kicks off her 4 inch black boots & leather jacket & wonders why she ever spent 80 dollars on shoes

she tosses the food on the kitchen counter along with the mail , phone, keys
she walks to her room grabs her laptop and adds that to the shit load of items on the kitchen counter

megan goes to her bedroom & stares in the mirror ... as she takes off her 4 sets of earrings .. and pulls her hair into a bun , looking at her blond ends and black roots , its a reminder that its time to get her hair dyed again ..
she looks at the tattoo on her neck and starts to remember the night she got it ...
in an attempt to not think about the past she starts to undress

after leaving her room she's changed clothes ... into jogging pants that read kiss my ass across the back and a white camisole.

trying to remember what day it was she realizing there was nothing on tv that night so instead she grabs her laptop, phone , chinese food & heads to the couch and watches music videos...

pretend.

excuse the suck ass title.. i cant do titles for some reason lately..


we have mastered the art of this game
We never lay together long enough for our hearts to start beating the same
talking to each other just enough to remember names
Never confusing the reasons we get together
just never
forget the rules to this game
the second you forget your position you end up getting replaced
steady wondering why you put yourself in the game anyway
& its not like cupid aimed at you
because these are games
& we're not fools
this is not love
so why are am i so
stuck.
following his speed not because you let you take the lead
its just so you don’t get too far ahead or fall too far behind
Playing tricks with your minds
& this is not love
so why do we act so blind..
String around your finger so you remember
To keep hearts out of it
So you never forget to silence what its saying on those days when
you just want someone to talk to
just want to hold his hand
want someone who fucking understands
when you just want them to help you put a smile on
you just want that one back who you would walk miles for
question I continously ask
where did my friend go?
& i know
that emotions are not be shown in this game
the truth has been masked
see
I wont tell you its like a blow to my heart when you leave me
i won't tell you how much it pains me when we are not speaking
I wont say I think about us for almost half my day
i tried to stop chasing these things & fucking around with these dreams
they just keep haunting me because I know i can do better than this situation
learning how to fight temptations
because the reality is we've just mastered the art of pretend.