love ramble

He stood for everything

I wouldnt get into

All of what I swore I wouldnt be apart of

Guess I was already in love with his potential

They say there's nothing like a black man with a plan

Had to be something to have me give in as I did

Feel like I have to be there for him as if its an obligation now

because we all know... "Nobody, but nobody can make it out here alone"



In the past

they'd ask me if I loved them

Trying to somehow clarify

I'd reply with some shit like well...

I would care if you died

if they were around long enough

I'd add in

" & I'd even cry"



He tells me he loves me

Tells me how I dont care

and the best I can come up with

is blank stares

Being that I'm not prepared

But I feel much more than my previous practiced lines can express

Though I cant seem to say I love you because it doesnt feel like love

But how can I recall something that I never been in?

I've always been on the road to but never quite there...



What would it be then when ...

being with him is enough

when waking up and sleeping in his arms feels like best thing

When I dont feel like I'm kept around in efforts to get sex

when short visits turned into long stays

into longer days

days where I want to be everything he needs

where I want to give him everything he wants

knowing that he works to give the same to me



the I'd care if you die line was a cop out

It's the run scared

Its the Imma pretend I dont want the responsbilities of a relationship

because Im scared it might fail

I cant have people knowing you "got" me

but I dont want you to date other girls

And still have to always tell me I'm the prettiest girl in the world

(doesnt make much sense right?)



How do I say you mean everything to me and when you dont call I cant sleep

I cant go weeks without seeing you

How I'm in love with almost everything you do

and even when I'm not satisfied with you ... You find a way to make me want you again..

but that doesnt neccesarily mean

I love you

you would mean mind body and soul

all of you

parts of which I'm still getting to know

Maybe I next time I can reply with

I'm in love with falling in love with you....

I'll only know when the time comes again

see this is just me making pointless attempts

to make love seem like some movie

direct every scene and rehearse every line

&

if love is natural

The only thing that can reveal love is time.

When I think of him
I wish that I recieve him in the form of someone else
And I can blame it on the drinks
but I think
this was real
It was like something I had dreamed so long before to feel
magical and surreal
here it was finally
right next to me
arms around me
held me like no one ever had
hand in mines
as he told me everything on his mind
as I listened with open ears and an open mind
lost track of time
I
dont understand what exactly it was he did to make me give a shit whether this is the last time or not
I feel guilty for wishing it was with someone else tho
like why couldnt the ex continue to make me feel this way
& I wonder why the first had to be so selfish
this love thing has become a live thing
and I live for these moments
these moments where everything is still
its just his eyes and mines
where I feel
like he's the most amazing person
i shouldnt be holding on to that moment
as if it will be the last
but the past has proven that I get moments
None of us get forever but can I get the possiblitity?
Can I get maybe or a probably?
Something besides clinging to minutes and seconds
the thought of us seems unreal , impratical and a little illogical
but thats what love is
thats what life is
so I continue to live for our moments
in hopes that we can roll the dice and land
on forever
together

player.lover. as he tries to do while undercover

player by day

lover by night

play her by dayl

ove her by night

I was baby instantly since the day we met

though I dont see anything mongamous with him

He says he wants to be with me

and that he is

So I guess he's honest

because he never said only me

Call me psychic better just call me foolish

I see him on the creep as well, in the sheets

with this one and that one it aint hard to tell

saying this that , that and the third

and still have nerve to ask me for the pussy

I see words

he says to me I love you

and though his eyes read truth

as if he really wants to believe that

as if he hopes one day that he can say that and feel that

I tell him its all in what you do

Its not in the things you say

Its everything you do

that would make me believe the

"i love you"

Words was all I ever got with him

Promises

baby I promise this , I promise that

I know he cant seperate love and lust

He claims I'm everything he wants

but when she comes along

and she's less demanding

who gets left standing for love?

This time it wont be me

because I'm not as quick this time to believe

I mean

I used to get calls at three in the morning to say nothing but give me a chance

give me the time of day

And after a 99 times what am I to say?

Why not?

So I do

and this I love you

will be full of shit too

at least I can say I tried

its you.... again.

you did this to me

woke me from sleep

then woke me from my dreams

you were like fairytales but now I cant tell

like fantasies

but I forgot everything dies

& sometimes you dont get that last ride

everytime I think your staying you leave

So I'm always hesistant to recieve you

you've moved too fast while other times you've moved to slow

and by the time you came around

the door had been closed

you cant be written or set in stone

one of those things that just have to left alone

even when it hurts

because see this time I thought I felt you in my soul

and the goal was to use you

but I see now you are one of those things that isnt up to debate

Either out or in

& I never been good with answering direct questions.

So I said yes

But I wonder now , was it because I was rushing..

trying to make claims but somehow still play the game

I guess this is some strange way of you telling me

I knew better than to lie

I knew better than to be in those games

I knew better than to think I didnt have to try

You take so much out of us

that we dont want to give that much of you

Even if thats what we think we want to do

To say

I love him

Is entirely too hard to do...because its a feeling and not a thought process

I never want to move to fast & fall too soon

speaking lies wishing one day they turn true
hoping that this person your in here with never turned on me

All this because I never wanted to be that one left without you

So I next time when you come

I wont doubt you

Ill just answer with yes or no.

I wont think about it.
Love.

6.23

i know you've gotten in my mind
because last week i thought it was replacement time
but i couldnt bring myself to say goodbye
everything i miss
not only do i see but I feel you in my dreams
now waking me up and i want to scream

im close enough to crying myself to sleep
thats how deep this feeling goes
I never had to put this into words..
&
I never use I love you so I dont know what it means when you do

ME , Im selfish
selfish for searching for things that would
deem it easy for me to leave
im used to being lied to
so I tried to believe that this was you too
but I know all to well thats not true
& I wish
I could bring myself to say those things
but I never wanted you to know Im that selfish

I wanted you to always know Im that one who understands
Im that one who "gets it"
but my heart has new demands
& like castles in the sand when the winds descend
I found it hard to stand
and i figured it was easier to drift away

so when you asked again
I lied
said i was fine
when really I was just looking
for the time to say goodbye

but subsitution isnt what Im into
I just need you.

i need those times
when are minds bodies and souls are aligned
I want your hand in mines
I need the whole nine
but most of all
I just need the time

So while being alone
I make attempts at being content
I hold my hand as I lay
i try to sleep
i try to not breathe so deep
so i can remember what it sounds like
when im close enough to hear your heart beat

so when I tell you im okay
know that this is what I've been thinking all day.

Part II

You are hilarious.
And I am stupid.
introducing others to what happens when cupid bullshits.
Because even though I know
you use me as the punch line to your jokes
you tell lies that if you climbed to the top of them
you could touch the sky
& I know this
I know every word out your mouth is dishonesty
but honestly
I dont listen
I feel
I feel that warmth while in your arms
Im not with you for the charm
whats done in the dark always comes to light
so I let
you undress
me carefully
thru the day
so you never see that im scarred

the more I said I'd never become that girl …
I became that girl
Now all I can do is think back to girl I was
but its not like I can get her back
that innocence is long gone
but my ignorance is still live
I refused to realize
she is me and i am her
I didnt learn from what I had seen
she is nothing but the reflection of me
after life has done its thing
So I kept right on denying
She was not me and I would never be her
I knew what I was doing
Pretended like I didnt know it was me I was fooling
trying to make myself believe that I wasnt her
but I was
and I am.
So lifes decided to kick me around
and im not screaming or making sounds
all you'll hear is
I told you so
I ignored my signs
So this isnt really news
I figured I just needed to have a plan... so I hid and I ran
but you cant run from whats true
in the end he will always get you
get you to show you greater things
I abused the right of having my own opinion
When I needed to have one I didnt
so those possiblities become a
possibly me.
and while waiting
I think the same thing
How can I forget
that she is me and I am her?

he said to her your beautiful
this was far from unusual
but she couldnt see what was so beautiful about the tears she cried thru swollen eyes
what was so beautiful about limps that she blamed on trips
the pleasure he gains from her aches and pains
its ashame
that even after taking lives
she decides to play blind
just because she is wife
and to her divorce is a sign of giving up
so she’d rather die trying
she'd rather die crying..
die lying in a bed of her own fear.

thefifth.

"I love it when he says
he's about to leave and instead of letting me go
he holds me closer
& somehow
I thought I wouldnt get like this
like when he's gone to long its him I start to miss
I just want him to hold me tight
arms placed around my waist
look into my eyes in that way that makes me want to say I love you
makes me want to waste every second minute and hour
sometimes I just want to dedicate every damn day
just to lay in those arms
holding his hand like good luck charms
i've become completely unarmed
I no longer want to fight
love cant be planned
things like this it cant be rehearsed
so I just cross fingers that I always end up with the gift instead of the curse
I dont know what happens next month or next year
its just that days without him I'd fear

boys.

when will we learn

boys trying so hard to be men
I'd drink & I'd smoke & I'd lay up with him
see I wanted him to know that I'd risk it all
give in to all sins
I wanted to prove to him I was down
that there was no other like me
pleasing in ways I never known
bending over backwards
only to regret it all the morning after
Undeserving of that much energy
but I allowed him to make me believe
all that shit that was make believe
pysched myself out trying to see what he was all about
erase the hurt from before
but the rush job only landed me to hurt some more
see niggas will be niggas , that I should've known
see niggas cant see past hoes
& I couldnt see that I was better off alone
I gave in
even when the thoughts begin
'I will never win his heart'
but you cant play love smart
it is what it is
he had a way with the words
saying this that and the third

boys just trying to be men
who pretend they carry the weight of the world
somebody told them that was the standard
to be made of steel & afraid to feel
& to always say
"real recognize real"

We can scream I love you
its as if we have no voice
because one is never enough
he needs two
& three
her me and she
trust nobody
it might even be a he
if any of its the case then
he bsimply
dont need me
granted I believe in second chances
I just dont believe in the late night high ride romances
consider this my apologies in advance.

pop, pop, pop , pop
my heart stops
the lies you tell like gunshots
blows to my soul
which way do I go?
white lights in sight , i can no longer fight
As I flatline you cry you sigh
do wish that you could rewind time
to find the truth
see myself in you
feel how I felt
realize what its like when its nothing left.
When who you love has done all they can
when the waves have come in and washed away the initials with the heart from the sand…
just love me was my last demand
If only you can return those minutes seconds and hours
that you spent chasing what you had at home
those were ours
that was mines , stepped out on my love one too many times
you dont know how good you had it til, I'm gone
you dont know how much I gave until you look back and theres nothing to be saved
& when you can no longer call my name & i love yous falls onto deaf ears
nothing you can do to make it clear
with the end near
you realize that you shouldnt have played those games
just love & life would be saved
here goes to the end of days.

—oliviashanaye.