Second Guessing.

I cant take the haults & pauses
the stops & stalling
the pausing before calling
and my reflexes kicking in before i hit send
before relapsing again
see i like smooth sailing
though most times feels like your leaving me lost at sea
I realize that maybe its because im not exactly what you need
I just wish we were on the same page
I want to free myself of the frustration of debating whether or not
if your even worth the thought
& if you arent then
why do i waste the time
and i wonder if im the only one partially out of mind
and i wonder if im ever on yours
see you are one of those types of people
that its bittersweet when meeting you because forgetting you
is almost impossible,
With these digital toys I have grown annoyed
I am missing your touch
hands on my body
gripped around my neck
I want to hear your voice
take control & put my mind at ease
make me
laugh again
I just want to be with you
I'd like to think this concept is simple
but life finds a way to complicate it
it much healthier to KISS
lets Keep It Simple Stupid
because now we are
thinking before speaking
no longer knowing honesty
starting and stopping
never making progress
always at a stand still
you start to disappear as i feared in the beginning
so i try to put you completely out of mind
but when temptation nears for me to want to relive those good times
that i relive through the nights
when i toss and turn and grip the sheets
reluctantly i am thinking of you
wondering about the next time when we or if again we would meet.
these feelings are everything but new
and nothing like far and few between
on these nights i wish i had amnesia
and on these days i wish i had some type of anesthesia
to numb how i felt
because at the end of the day
it always remains the same
who knows if the future holds that one day where
the haults and pauses
stops and stalling
pausing before calling
and my reflexes kicking in before i hit send
will end,
but until then
looks like im back to second guessing again.

tumblr.

http://www.nomoremarbles.tumblr.com

Untitled.

titles actually Untitled. , its not due to lack of thought.


i know
what it is i want
fuck the commitment shit
calls every night
the your beautiful lines ,
holding hands and skipping down the block
because everything isnt that happy
we are not concerned with
what we will call ourselves to others
we refuse to be confined to the duties of a title
no time for titles , we define us
with that being said
we are not even friends
so we aren't FWB's
because those are the benefits that only my man can receive
have no misconception of what
we be
see when those erections come its time for you to leave
--
we like to be free
relationships?
the hell does that mean? (sarcasm)
we arent those stereotypical teens
we dont need the other to validate our being
we dont do what others want us to
we do our own thing
we aren't little robot machines
we think individually
so fuck completing each others sentences
we keep the other guessing again
mixed messages sometimes we send ..
no strings attached but sometimes
our hearts don't know how to act
and with us being the emotionally ill
and unequipped for this type shit
we forgot how to deal with that
so we fall back
when the other starts to catch some type of feeling
we stop dealing
til the other stops day dreaming
about things that they
will never be seeing

wont be introducing the other to mothers
or other members of the family
its just you and I
we might keep a little hope alive for more
but we are too uncommitted and unrestricted
to be thinking about being
"together"
Togetherness will be death of this
see we don't want to argue
and have fist fights at night
because of what you did at a party
there will be no " i was jealous so i searched your phone"
no fits will be thrown
thats not how we roll
we aren't trying to blend all the heavy shit into this
its better that we exist this way
we dont want to run into those emotional walls and meltdowns
we aren't looking for that
we just want someone who will always keep us smiling
someone who keeps us from crying
when we fall too hard and we feel like dying
the one who tells us to keep trying
the one who's number we never hesistate in dialing
we just want to be each others light through the dark tunnel
something like the others diary
keeping secrets , mysteries and lifes inquiries
we carry each others key
made special & unique

no one see's what that other sees
wanting to hold the other when we need it
& love we will never speak it
since we prefer actions as they
speak louder than words
we want to be that driving force .... that pushes the other
but instead its pushing us away

we were just looking for someone else to share a little bit
of our lives with
not necessarily the rest of our lives with
though we wanted a connection that was timeless
minus
all that heavy shit
see we
like it light
we don't have to worry the pee out of each other
we dont have attitudes because we didnt call the other back
we just go with the flow
life's too short to hold grudges
& to be giving cold shoulders
we just want be ourselves
freely.

thesilentones.

the silent ones.
the built up emotions you fail to express begins to weigh tons.
You carry this weight and from it you can not run
it takes it toll and you start to come undone
you finally see that this silent game
can not be won.
--
silence is a killer & i am dying.
lacking energy since i keep trying ,
i am pushing ,
i am looking to break the silence & with these last failed attempts
i see that what i thought was here
never was or now
no longer exists
I'm feeling that you are no longer exempt
you are just like the rest of them
just as confused
refusing to admit when others you've used
how are we to care when you dont seem to
though i want to be right
& i want to continue to be polite
so i wont place blame
--
i cant understand
what it is about you that lays so heavily on my mind
stuck in my pyshce
how you got me feeling is blinding
i cant think straight
&
these thoughts take their sweet little time dying
i am constantly
thinking of what
you could have had
what I could have had
what we can have
--
i am wondering
--
why
& what really happened
--
i am waiting
for something like an explaination
to release me from this frustration
--
buts thats
only if
both parties are willing participants in speech
through our words to each other we can reach
its anybody's game
if minds are open to change
anything is possible
we just got to stop the bull
&
I can not hate you
I can not even dislike you
though i was trying to
--
its easier to love than to hate
so lets take it easy, okay?
i am wishing
you the best & nothing less than
it just takes too much energy
dealing with the negativity
i want to live happily
so i just simply
write
to break my silence
hoping the consequence
is
you breaking yours as well
SPEAK TO ME.

thisweek.

May 4, 2009 : I Realize.

Every day there's something i learn about myself
some positive some negative
im all for growing and learning from things
which is why i ask questions im not annoying or anything
i just like to be in the know , i want to understand why not and why people do what they do ( if its relating to me , I should be able to get these answers BUT i digress)

somtimes even I make the same mistakes ...( which i've done recently)
eventually its understood , okay thats the wrong thing to do and this is the right thing...
there is no handbook to your particular life , sure there are thousands of self help books..
but to me to realize things on my own is much better than believing what someone else is suggesting i do , i might ask for advice but at the end of the day ... i come to my own conclusions

My life , my rules, my own book .
which is why i decided to sit & track some of thoughts as of now with some edits ( i dont want to get angry , im chill and im remaining that way )

So moving on , back to the "realizations" of this week & last month
- I'm very much capable of being nice to & semi trusting the opposite sex
- Im persistent and I most times could really care less what people are thinking about me due to the fact regardless of what i truly am .... people are going to think what they want .... you can attempt to clear your name and clarify but everybody has their own perception

"The truth is I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was...."
-Marilyn Monroe
--------

-I cant control everything , i can not predict how things will turn out , sometimes things are just out of your hands & you move along to something / someone else
-never compromise who you are for someone else.... don't get lost in the mix of things , i feel like i compromised myself and i shouldnt have , im me and i will do me to the very ( fill in the blank) end , you either deal with it or keep it pushing

& speaking of keeping it pushing , when you decide to keep it pushing
DO NOT up & disappear ( almost like dropping off the face of the earth .... I do care whether or not your dead or alive) its RUDE and i say that with a smile,
I'm a big girl and whatever is said i can handle ; but also what I realize I can not force things out of people
I no longer have expectations because anybody is capable of ANYTHING and with expectations comes disappointments and im not in the mood to be left disappointed again...

Its said ( by others) that I have the traits of a person with A.D.D. and bi polar disorder sometimes & thats okay because im not COMPLETELY out of my mind , i do not need to be institutionalized :)

Im just a simple & complicated person .... who does not mind if you call her on her shit because i am going to call you on yours.

these thoughts were going to be about something else but .... theres no use in wasting more energy talking about situations that are out of my hands and i have no control in or over

anywho, i dont know how long i'll share these kinds of posts ...
but
i like to write , i like to use my words, expressing myself is what i do
lastly i like to share so this is what you get
also,
this is another way of keeping myself in control of my thoughts
maybe i'll end up less angry and less dissappointed in some instances in the future