Vanity.

i looked in the mirror
& i wondered
well what if i was a lil bit thinner
& i could hear the thinner girl saying
well what if i was thicker

i figured
once i hit 40"
i'd have no worries

i wanted attention
grew up wishing that i would thicken up
but now they just wanna fuck
so back to no attention or be the "video vixen"

i enjoyed
all eyes on me
as i bounce down streets
& now its 43"
ass is all they see

even those that rep "different"
& not like the others.

fuck the bullshit

he wanted in too
& its so easy to fault them
tho
i coulda put my clothes back on
i just didnt want to end with
"dont call us we'll call you" type shit
or "its not you its me"
i wanted to somehow make it a guarantee
that he
would be there when i need him
my issue is much deeper
somewhere inside
wanting to be needed
want to be respected
but i dont want to be neglected
seeking validation in the wrong ways

so i let him sink his teeth in
get inside & gave him a place to hide
did this a couple times
with different guys
and at no time
was any of it special
or worth it
since im still
alone
we cut ties
& split ways
& fuck a goodbye
we'll just say okay & walk away
& make an attempt not to look back
i am not that girl running halls in short skirts
and being that big flirt
that wasnt me
i just wanted to be what he said he needed
so if he said sex
then i said where
because i felt the need to have to share
like i had something to prove
and in bed you could see my point
yet
you still
dissapoint me

i stand in my mirror
it all is clear
i let opinions break me down and tear me apart
& i know im more than all this i just

postponed those thoughts
til im out of that zone
til we are done with the moans
and then once home
in my mirror and i can barely look at myself
been here before
& i said i wouldnt return
at no time will
i change my mind
but i did
i should have quit

looking in my mirror
i look into my eyes
these thoughts dont come as a surprise
since i think them every night
i just wanted to be needed
but i cant be everything for someone else
until im everything to myself.

Scissors.

scissors
Knives
i lived with those beloved metal shears
been tight for years
protecting
from tears
though kept me from facing
my fears

I run with scissors to not end up hurt
hold steady for those trying to lift up my skirt
trying to dig up my dirt
I hold them in front
i dont care what you want
these keep you
3 feet
speak ing
for me

"fuck you because i want nothing to do with you"

there isnt shit you can do to change my mind
at no time
will a line
a word
a can i
will be heard
I run with scissors in my hand in front
of my heart
try to get in and i'll cut you apart
i'll hurt you before you hurt me
selfish to you
helpful to me
down the road pain is all i see
so i'd rather leave you here bleeding
i won't give you the satisfaction that comes with receiving

feed into your ego is a no no
i wont show emotion

when you dont call
i wont care
i could give less of a care
about time we share
scissors & knives
i thought help me survive

cutting at you before you cut at me
at all
or too deep
or emotionally
helping to keep your distance
before i even know your name
not trying to repeat these fucking games
those games where i just lay
all appearing to be the same
guys on the same bullshit
them lines that they memorize
time and time again
pussy hungry guys
dont realize
what all lies inside
and I
wont add them in my mix

i gave my scissors a rest
& i dont know yet
if I did what was best
giving you the benefit of the doubt
when i put my scissors down
in the back of my mind
during this whole time

i know i should pick them back up & run with them
right
in
front
of my heart.

Untitled.

I find it hard to be completely honest... I make an attempt to though.


even I
have the desire to love
from time to time
even though I
hide behind that
"I don't like people to get to close to me"
type lie
its the easiest thing to say
when you fear things wont turn out the way
you want them to
when you allow those walls to disappear
& you become transparent & clear
when you feel like you want be
but your to afraid to take the step
afraid of what would come next
its easy to have sex but to feel that's much more complex
so i stray away because its hard to find the words to say
fearing the possible fall
that comes with giving your all
the sudden stop of calls
when you speak to each other
you start to stall and stutter
and every word you utter is a lie
unsure of what the other is thinking
no longer completing
each other sentences
relationship writing its own death wishes
but everything is worth a try
and i am learning to keep a optimistic mind
negative thoughts i'm willing to put aside

Maybe we

maybe we met at the wrong times
had it been
last week
last month
an hour ago
next year
five minutes from the time you read this

maybe there would be less to fear
things we would see differently
two years ago
maybe it was best i known
you
saving hearts from being disposed
love from being disowned
& secrets from being disclosed to soon

though
having exposed myself in a way now i haven't before
what am I to do
because walking away isn't an option
since fortunately
i can not go back in time
& i can not change my mind
& cant erase what has happened

tho had we met at different times
these thoughts wouldn't even be on my mind
but everything special
has its own unique design
and love & whatnot
takes time
sometimes
you have to move slow and let things fall in line
i'm a little impatient & i hate waiting
but for this
i don't mind
& i will continue with this optimistic mind
& continue to try
to not take things personal
i refuse to let hope die

I want now more than ever
what i never had
& i would like to believe that
here is my chance
though if its not
i won't walk away completely mad
see
i'm content with
the time we had
short lived
but lived at all is what matters

although here i'd rather reside because
being happy is new to me
it would be easier to deal

i cant speak for you
but I felt somethin real
Im caring more than i thought i would
more than i think i should
there's no use in controlling
how i feel
since there's no time that says when to feel
so too early or right on time
i do not mind
because
somethings
you learn
you can not control
though
as long as your feeling together
things work out better
because
love on a one way road
gives you no where to go
and in the end
you have nothing to show for
just time wasted.

Selfish?

Selfish
i think not
i just prefer the number one spot

Forgive me
If you think i am selfish
once i start to care
I
just don't like to share

very simple concept

its not jealousy
see its just
i like to be
the center of your affection
i deserve undivided attention
and you can say that im bitchin
but really im just wishing
you'd see that a good thing
that the best thing
lies in front of you
its only soo many times you can go backwards & not regret it
theres only so many times you can go backwards & people wait for you
you can only ask for them to wait for so long
you can only expect them to take so much before they are gone

some nights are personal fights
talking
sometimes yelling
trying to surpress a feeling
but i am failing
feeling slighted
trying to disguise what hides inside
you'd be surprised
by my attitude
and the magnitude all
caused by shit
you do
and all the shit you dont
that i want you to.
when i silence my phone and i sit in my zone
i'd rather be left alone than to be
the
after thought
after you think of her
when she's unvavailable
to make & participate in those unstable relations
im unable to understand ...
the situation at hand
i figure that im not meant to
my mental isnt built for bull
shit
and this is what that is
no offense
but to me
none of it makes sense
some things are meant to be left past tense
when one is trying to be and can be everything and more
i wonder how long it takes to close those doors...
and i wonder sometimes what Im doing wrong ...
only to realize ...
all along
its not me
your the one who needs
to realize some things
but i guess
realizing is not so easy.

2muchlikeME.

in the archives ... written in November ..
fun about writing is taking yourself elsewhere.

2muchlikeME.

I look in the mirror
She looks in the mirror
it becomes clearer to us that for you
this is a "problem"
knowing that i love her more than i love him
& some would even call it a sin
but when
do we live for ourselves?
whether its him or if its her
or if its both
it does not lessen my self worth
long as i am loving
why are you concerned
backs may turn
but lessons are learned
its not my issue if no guy could earn
my love
& oh how everybody wants to comment
everyone has something to say
about who i am fucking and i am loving today
find your negative thoughts somewhere else to play
let us be
who we want
without your negativity
love us because
we
love
you
so what my love is much like myself
and is nothing like he
the male species is who i would like to last see
you can not tell me
what to do with my love
you can't tell me i won't see the one above
you should stop before you judge
you are no better & dont even pretend that you are

love once you have it , you grab hold
its not something you can control
and i dont mind
because in time you all
will realize that i dont love or live for you
I just do , what i feel I need to.