6.23

i know you've gotten in my mind
because last week i thought it was replacement time
but i couldnt bring myself to say goodbye
everything i miss
not only do i see but I feel you in my dreams
now waking me up and i want to scream

im close enough to crying myself to sleep
thats how deep this feeling goes
I never had to put this into words..
&
I never use I love you so I dont know what it means when you do

ME , Im selfish
selfish for searching for things that would
deem it easy for me to leave
im used to being lied to
so I tried to believe that this was you too
but I know all to well thats not true
& I wish
I could bring myself to say those things
but I never wanted you to know Im that selfish

I wanted you to always know Im that one who understands
Im that one who "gets it"
but my heart has new demands
& like castles in the sand when the winds descend
I found it hard to stand
and i figured it was easier to drift away

so when you asked again
I lied
said i was fine
when really I was just looking
for the time to say goodbye

but subsitution isnt what Im into
I just need you.

i need those times
when are minds bodies and souls are aligned
I want your hand in mines
I need the whole nine
but most of all
I just need the time

So while being alone
I make attempts at being content
I hold my hand as I lay
i try to sleep
i try to not breathe so deep
so i can remember what it sounds like
when im close enough to hear your heart beat

so when I tell you im okay
know that this is what I've been thinking all day.

Part II

You are hilarious.
And I am stupid.
introducing others to what happens when cupid bullshits.
Because even though I know
you use me as the punch line to your jokes
you tell lies that if you climbed to the top of them
you could touch the sky
& I know this
I know every word out your mouth is dishonesty
but honestly
I dont listen
I feel
I feel that warmth while in your arms
Im not with you for the charm
whats done in the dark always comes to light
so I let
you undress
me carefully
thru the day
so you never see that im scarred

the more I said I'd never become that girl …
I became that girl
Now all I can do is think back to girl I was
but its not like I can get her back
that innocence is long gone
but my ignorance is still live
I refused to realize
she is me and i am her
I didnt learn from what I had seen
she is nothing but the reflection of me
after life has done its thing
So I kept right on denying
She was not me and I would never be her
I knew what I was doing
Pretended like I didnt know it was me I was fooling
trying to make myself believe that I wasnt her
but I was
and I am.
So lifes decided to kick me around
and im not screaming or making sounds
all you'll hear is
I told you so
I ignored my signs
So this isnt really news
I figured I just needed to have a plan... so I hid and I ran
but you cant run from whats true
in the end he will always get you
get you to show you greater things
I abused the right of having my own opinion
When I needed to have one I didnt
so those possiblities become a
possibly me.
and while waiting
I think the same thing
How can I forget
that she is me and I am her?

he said to her your beautiful
this was far from unusual
but she couldnt see what was so beautiful about the tears she cried thru swollen eyes
what was so beautiful about limps that she blamed on trips
the pleasure he gains from her aches and pains
its ashame
that even after taking lives
she decides to play blind
just because she is wife
and to her divorce is a sign of giving up
so she’d rather die trying
she'd rather die crying..
die lying in a bed of her own fear.

thefifth.

"I love it when he says
he's about to leave and instead of letting me go
he holds me closer
& somehow
I thought I wouldnt get like this
like when he's gone to long its him I start to miss
I just want him to hold me tight
arms placed around my waist
look into my eyes in that way that makes me want to say I love you
makes me want to waste every second minute and hour
sometimes I just want to dedicate every damn day
just to lay in those arms
holding his hand like good luck charms
i've become completely unarmed
I no longer want to fight
love cant be planned
things like this it cant be rehearsed
so I just cross fingers that I always end up with the gift instead of the curse
I dont know what happens next month or next year
its just that days without him I'd fear