Can you Understand?

I dont know anymore
how to even the score
while everyone is getting their points
i try so hard to get mines across

love ramble

He stood for everything

I wouldnt get into

All of what I swore I wouldnt be apart of

Guess I was already in love with his potential

They say there's nothing like a black man with a plan

Had to be something to have me give in as I did

Feel like I have to be there for him as if its an obligation now

because we all know... "Nobody, but nobody can make it out here alone"



In the past

they'd ask me if I loved them

Trying to somehow clarify

I'd reply with some shit like well...

I would care if you died

if they were around long enough

I'd add in

" & I'd even cry"



He tells me he loves me

Tells me how I dont care

and the best I can come up with

is blank stares

Being that I'm not prepared

But I feel much more than my previous practiced lines can express

Though I cant seem to say I love you because it doesnt feel like love

But how can I recall something that I never been in?

I've always been on the road to but never quite there...



What would it be then when ...

being with him is enough

when waking up and sleeping in his arms feels like best thing

When I dont feel like I'm kept around in efforts to get sex

when short visits turned into long stays

into longer days

days where I want to be everything he needs

where I want to give him everything he wants

knowing that he works to give the same to me



the I'd care if you die line was a cop out

It's the run scared

Its the Imma pretend I dont want the responsbilities of a relationship

because Im scared it might fail

I cant have people knowing you "got" me

but I dont want you to date other girls

And still have to always tell me I'm the prettiest girl in the world

(doesnt make much sense right?)



How do I say you mean everything to me and when you dont call I cant sleep

I cant go weeks without seeing you

How I'm in love with almost everything you do

and even when I'm not satisfied with you ... You find a way to make me want you again..

but that doesnt neccesarily mean

I love you

you would mean mind body and soul

all of you

parts of which I'm still getting to know

Maybe I next time I can reply with

I'm in love with falling in love with you....

I'll only know when the time comes again

see this is just me making pointless attempts

to make love seem like some movie

direct every scene and rehearse every line

&

if love is natural

The only thing that can reveal love is time.

When I think of him
I wish that I recieve him in the form of someone else
And I can blame it on the drinks
but I think
this was real
It was like something I had dreamed so long before to feel
magical and surreal
here it was finally
right next to me
arms around me
held me like no one ever had
hand in mines
as he told me everything on his mind
as I listened with open ears and an open mind
lost track of time
I
dont understand what exactly it was he did to make me give a shit whether this is the last time or not
I feel guilty for wishing it was with someone else tho
like why couldnt the ex continue to make me feel this way
& I wonder why the first had to be so selfish
this love thing has become a live thing
and I live for these moments
these moments where everything is still
its just his eyes and mines
where I feel
like he's the most amazing person
i shouldnt be holding on to that moment
as if it will be the last
but the past has proven that I get moments
None of us get forever but can I get the possiblitity?
Can I get maybe or a probably?
Something besides clinging to minutes and seconds
the thought of us seems unreal , impratical and a little illogical
but thats what love is
thats what life is
so I continue to live for our moments
in hopes that we can roll the dice and land
on forever
together

player.lover. as he tries to do while undercover

player by day

lover by night

play her by dayl

ove her by night

I was baby instantly since the day we met

though I dont see anything mongamous with him

He says he wants to be with me

and that he is

So I guess he's honest

because he never said only me

Call me psychic better just call me foolish

I see him on the creep as well, in the sheets

with this one and that one it aint hard to tell

saying this that , that and the third

and still have nerve to ask me for the pussy

I see words

he says to me I love you

and though his eyes read truth

as if he really wants to believe that

as if he hopes one day that he can say that and feel that

I tell him its all in what you do

Its not in the things you say

Its everything you do

that would make me believe the

"i love you"

Words was all I ever got with him

Promises

baby I promise this , I promise that

I know he cant seperate love and lust

He claims I'm everything he wants

but when she comes along

and she's less demanding

who gets left standing for love?

This time it wont be me

because I'm not as quick this time to believe

I mean

I used to get calls at three in the morning to say nothing but give me a chance

give me the time of day

And after a 99 times what am I to say?

Why not?

So I do

and this I love you

will be full of shit too

at least I can say I tried

its you.... again.

you did this to me

woke me from sleep

then woke me from my dreams

you were like fairytales but now I cant tell

like fantasies

but I forgot everything dies

& sometimes you dont get that last ride

everytime I think your staying you leave

So I'm always hesistant to recieve you

you've moved too fast while other times you've moved to slow

and by the time you came around

the door had been closed

you cant be written or set in stone

one of those things that just have to left alone

even when it hurts

because see this time I thought I felt you in my soul

and the goal was to use you

but I see now you are one of those things that isnt up to debate

Either out or in

& I never been good with answering direct questions.

So I said yes

But I wonder now , was it because I was rushing..

trying to make claims but somehow still play the game

I guess this is some strange way of you telling me

I knew better than to lie

I knew better than to be in those games

I knew better than to think I didnt have to try

You take so much out of us

that we dont want to give that much of you

Even if thats what we think we want to do

To say

I love him

Is entirely too hard to do...because its a feeling and not a thought process

I never want to move to fast & fall too soon

speaking lies wishing one day they turn true
hoping that this person your in here with never turned on me

All this because I never wanted to be that one left without you

So I next time when you come

I wont doubt you

Ill just answer with yes or no.

I wont think about it.
Love.