When I think of him
I wish that I recieve him in the form of someone else
And I can blame it on the drinks
but I think
this was real
It was like something I had dreamed so long before to feel
magical and surreal
here it was finally
right next to me
arms around me
held me like no one ever had
hand in mines
as he told me everything on his mind
as I listened with open ears and an open mind
lost track of time
I
dont understand what exactly it was he did to make me give a shit whether this is the last time or not
I feel guilty for wishing it was with someone else tho
like why couldnt the ex continue to make me feel this way
& I wonder why the first had to be so selfish
this love thing has become a live thing
and I live for these moments
these moments where everything is still
its just his eyes and mines
where I feel
like he's the most amazing person
i shouldnt be holding on to that moment
as if it will be the last
but the past has proven that I get moments
None of us get forever but can I get the possiblitity?
Can I get maybe or a probably?
Something besides clinging to minutes and seconds
the thought of us seems unreal , impratical and a little illogical
but thats what love is
thats what life is
so I continue to live for our moments
in hopes that we can roll the dice and land
on forever
together

player.lover. as he tries to do while undercover

player by day

lover by night

play her by dayl

ove her by night

I was baby instantly since the day we met

though I dont see anything mongamous with him

He says he wants to be with me

and that he is

So I guess he's honest

because he never said only me

Call me psychic better just call me foolish

I see him on the creep as well, in the sheets

with this one and that one it aint hard to tell

saying this that , that and the third

and still have nerve to ask me for the pussy

I see words

he says to me I love you

and though his eyes read truth

as if he really wants to believe that

as if he hopes one day that he can say that and feel that

I tell him its all in what you do

Its not in the things you say

Its everything you do

that would make me believe the

"i love you"

Words was all I ever got with him

Promises

baby I promise this , I promise that

I know he cant seperate love and lust

He claims I'm everything he wants

but when she comes along

and she's less demanding

who gets left standing for love?

This time it wont be me

because I'm not as quick this time to believe

I mean

I used to get calls at three in the morning to say nothing but give me a chance

give me the time of day

And after a 99 times what am I to say?

Why not?

So I do

and this I love you

will be full of shit too

at least I can say I tried

its you.... again.

you did this to me

woke me from sleep

then woke me from my dreams

you were like fairytales but now I cant tell

like fantasies

but I forgot everything dies

& sometimes you dont get that last ride

everytime I think your staying you leave

So I'm always hesistant to recieve you

you've moved too fast while other times you've moved to slow

and by the time you came around

the door had been closed

you cant be written or set in stone

one of those things that just have to left alone

even when it hurts

because see this time I thought I felt you in my soul

and the goal was to use you

but I see now you are one of those things that isnt up to debate

Either out or in

& I never been good with answering direct questions.

So I said yes

But I wonder now , was it because I was rushing..

trying to make claims but somehow still play the game

I guess this is some strange way of you telling me

I knew better than to lie

I knew better than to be in those games

I knew better than to think I didnt have to try

You take so much out of us

that we dont want to give that much of you

Even if thats what we think we want to do

To say

I love him

Is entirely too hard to do...because its a feeling and not a thought process

I never want to move to fast & fall too soon

speaking lies wishing one day they turn true
hoping that this person your in here with never turned on me

All this because I never wanted to be that one left without you

So I next time when you come

I wont doubt you

Ill just answer with yes or no.

I wont think about it.
Love.

6.23

i know you've gotten in my mind
because last week i thought it was replacement time
but i couldnt bring myself to say goodbye
everything i miss
not only do i see but I feel you in my dreams
now waking me up and i want to scream

im close enough to crying myself to sleep
thats how deep this feeling goes
I never had to put this into words..
&
I never use I love you so I dont know what it means when you do

ME , Im selfish
selfish for searching for things that would
deem it easy for me to leave
im used to being lied to
so I tried to believe that this was you too
but I know all to well thats not true
& I wish
I could bring myself to say those things
but I never wanted you to know Im that selfish

I wanted you to always know Im that one who understands
Im that one who "gets it"
but my heart has new demands
& like castles in the sand when the winds descend
I found it hard to stand
and i figured it was easier to drift away

so when you asked again
I lied
said i was fine
when really I was just looking
for the time to say goodbye

but subsitution isnt what Im into
I just need you.

i need those times
when are minds bodies and souls are aligned
I want your hand in mines
I need the whole nine
but most of all
I just need the time

So while being alone
I make attempts at being content
I hold my hand as I lay
i try to sleep
i try to not breathe so deep
so i can remember what it sounds like
when im close enough to hear your heart beat

so when I tell you im okay
know that this is what I've been thinking all day.

Part II

You are hilarious.
And I am stupid.
introducing others to what happens when cupid bullshits.
Because even though I know
you use me as the punch line to your jokes
you tell lies that if you climbed to the top of them
you could touch the sky
& I know this
I know every word out your mouth is dishonesty
but honestly
I dont listen
I feel
I feel that warmth while in your arms
Im not with you for the charm
whats done in the dark always comes to light
so I let
you undress
me carefully
thru the day
so you never see that im scarred