boys.

when will we learn

boys trying so hard to be men
I'd drink & I'd smoke & I'd lay up with him
see I wanted him to know that I'd risk it all
give in to all sins
I wanted to prove to him I was down
that there was no other like me
pleasing in ways I never known
bending over backwards
only to regret it all the morning after
Undeserving of that much energy
but I allowed him to make me believe
all that shit that was make believe
pysched myself out trying to see what he was all about
erase the hurt from before
but the rush job only landed me to hurt some more
see niggas will be niggas , that I should've known
see niggas cant see past hoes
& I couldnt see that I was better off alone
I gave in
even when the thoughts begin
'I will never win his heart'
but you cant play love smart
it is what it is
he had a way with the words
saying this that and the third

boys just trying to be men
who pretend they carry the weight of the world
somebody told them that was the standard
to be made of steel & afraid to feel
& to always say
"real recognize real"

We can scream I love you
its as if we have no voice
because one is never enough
he needs two
& three
her me and she
trust nobody
it might even be a he
if any of its the case then
he bsimply
dont need me
granted I believe in second chances
I just dont believe in the late night high ride romances
consider this my apologies in advance.

pop, pop, pop , pop
my heart stops
the lies you tell like gunshots
blows to my soul
which way do I go?
white lights in sight , i can no longer fight
As I flatline you cry you sigh
do wish that you could rewind time
to find the truth
see myself in you
feel how I felt
realize what its like when its nothing left.
When who you love has done all they can
when the waves have come in and washed away the initials with the heart from the sand…
just love me was my last demand
If only you can return those minutes seconds and hours
that you spent chasing what you had at home
those were ours
that was mines , stepped out on my love one too many times
you dont know how good you had it til, I'm gone
you dont know how much I gave until you look back and theres nothing to be saved
& when you can no longer call my name & i love yous falls onto deaf ears
nothing you can do to make it clear
with the end near
you realize that you shouldnt have played those games
just love & life would be saved
here goes to the end of days.

—oliviashanaye.

I heard that thug love was the best love
I dont mind dating danger
so I chose to test the theory
but since i'm aware that when I'm laid up in my sheets he's somewhere in the streets
when I watch the news I hold my breath and stare.
im too scared that a story with his name will air
breaking my heart to pieces that cant ever be repaired
im just that scared that ill be left with a love undeclared
leaving me to be left speechless, love less , and with much stress
needless to say
so those days when your m.i.a
I pray because if I lost you to the streets
It would be the end of my days
I'm in no condition to sit
to miss & reminisce
I wouldnt want us to be unfinished
leave too soon
i'll never see the honey moon
i'd wear black before i could wear white
i'd be the one left with sleepless nights
because i couldnt bear to see in you my dreams
to know that we would no longer would be a team
I dont want to fall victim to such a thing.
so let me not love you.
because truth is
if I woke up without you
its irreversible damage that my heart cant manage.
So i'm going to not love you.
and i'll just be repeating that until its truth.

See you didnt tell me how my ass was fat
just that you could stare into my eyes all night
and never once asked if you could be inside while doing so
I found a love where I can take pleasure in the little things like sentence finishing
I love you
not only do I love you
i breathe you
Cut me see I bleed you
this shit runs deep
like when your asleep
and my heads on your chest and I cant rest
I listen to your heart beat
I feel so complete knowing the loves concrete
I believe you must have seen something , somehow snuck up in my dreams
because you be everything I need
Showing me a love so heavenly
that I constantly search for those wings
see this
is no fling , the real thing
i barely have to call your name
when im hurt you know my pain
nothing can come and make that change
belong together
made thru all types of weather
you know that i'm down for whatever
whenever
wherever
our hearts like pieces of art
abstracts to be exact
our love is nothing like we ever had
I dont need memories because everyday with you is beautiful
everyday with you is better than the last so I'll never find myself reminiscing about the past
everyday is fresh and new as long as that day includes you
I dont just lust for you
I dont just like you
but that other 4 letter word most defintely I do.

Slowly but Surely. (2)

For some it takes longer to realize things
It should be obvious to me
knowing
your heart lies with another
for some reason though
those words were hard for me to utter
Hanging on to the past
as if that first would be my last
keeping memories that no longer have meanings
I tried fighting temptations
but In an attempt to get back what I once missed
I decided not to lock up safe like I used too &
I let you come inside and strip me of my valuables
Now realizing how much you've gotten to me
Hard to sleep with the guilt I feel see
I just tell myself that mistakes are made and I'll be okay.
I can move on and one day wont think twice about you.
they say in time wounds heal..
but that doesnt seem so real
knowing that i've been dealing with this on and off for 2 whole years
It just wasn't as easy for me
though this may not be truth more and more I feel as if you
were wasted time ...
I knew the kind of shit I was in and I'd just pretend
that none of it fucked with my mind
today I fell for the last time
and though for longest I blamed you
this time I blame that one in the mirror
because her sight should be clearer now..
I know your bullshit like the back of my hand
I dont understand how I break my plans
I said you no longer run here still
deep inside I just wanted to feel like I used too
I see now that feeling is too far gone to ever get back.
Its when I relapsed I realized how bad I wanted to stay on track..
its like some type of drug and I want to stay above your influence
And with that
this
is the end.

-----

I used to wonder what happened to that oh so cool smooth dude that I once knew
I didnt want to let him go
so I grew partial to that someone new and I held on in hopes
that the one I knew would come back soon
my thoughts in vein
thinking back I'm a little ashamed
that I could ever fall victim to such game
especially since we always played it the same
never new rules
I never thought that there would come a day where I'd hate to hear your name
When I'd hate to see your face
I never thought that the feeling you used to give me , I'd still chase today
Never knew that with you I would ever associate such pain.
we change , we grow , we move on
all of this
I know
Somethings break and cant ever be fixed
just never realized you'd actually be missed
I long noticed the change though
calling your name didnt sound the same
and if was to dial your number I cant do it as fast as I used to
because hell I forgot the number
the thoughts of you arent so strong anymore
where they wake me from my slumber
those times when I used to wonder
will I ever see that dude again
I always knew the answer
I just never wanted to accept that the end was a looong time ago
So I just closed my eyes and acted as if I didnt know
but it was always no, because your heart lies with another
So I've just grown partial to my own dreaming in hopes of seeing that guy
you used to be.
At least now my mind is free.